Silent Tears
by SquintandProud-x
Summary: The past holds dark secrets for us all. Buffy returns to Sunnydale, five years after she leaves, to try and put her past behind her. No matter what she does, it always comes back to haunt her. Can Angel help her? Adult themes & romance! B/A.
1. Nobody's Home

**Summery: The past holds dark secrets for us all. Buffy returns to Sunnydale, five years after she leaves, to try and put her past behind her. No matter what she does, it always comes back to haunt her. Can Angel, her childhood friend, help her put it behind her and focus on her future? Adult themes and romance. B/A! **

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**Her feelings she hides.  
Her dreams she can't find.  
She's losing her mind.  
She's fallen behind.  
She can't find her place.  
She's losing her faith.  
She's fallen from grace.  
She's all over the place.  
Yeah,oh**

**Nobody's Home, Avril Lavigne. **

**_____________________________________________________________________________________**

I sat in the back of the taxi cab, two duffel bags squashed on either side of me, whilst three suitcases were in the boot, with my hands clasped in my lap. I knew that the taxi driver was throwing me glances in his rear-view mirror every five minutes, though I never looked up to meet his concerned gaze. The bruises that covered my face were enough to worry anyone and I couldn't blame him for keep looking at me. I was a mess all over. Huge, purple bags lay beneath my eyes, making it evident that I had been unable to sleep throughout the last week and half. My usual sun-kissed glow had disappeared; my skin was now pale and unhealthy. The paleness of my skin seemed to show off my bruises more. And I was dressed in sweatpants and a white tank top, looking slightly shabby with a black jacket, which was much too big for me, thrown around my shoulders. I was almost positive that my eyes lacked their usual sparkle, though they held too many secrets now and I knew I had to regain that sparkle if I wanted to keep my past buried. I also knew that my hair needed a good wash. My blonde hair was shoved up into a rough ponytail, odd pieces of hair hanging out like straw, with a thin cover of grease.

Yes, I definitely had given the taxi driver something to look at.

Even when I gave him a reassuring smile as I got into the back seat, the concern look never lifted from his slightly chubby face. I felt grateful for the amount of concern he was giving to me, after all I was just a stranger to him. Not even some of my old neighbours showed any signs of concern when I was rushed off to the hospital. It showed you the different natures that some people possessed.

I looked out of the window. The surroundings were now becoming more familiar to me, I began recognizing certain places that I had once walked past or been to during my time in Sunnydale. It seemed like I had never left five years ago.

I knew that, within a couple of days, everyone would know I had returned. Without _him. _That would surely strike up many curious questions that people wanted, and needed, answers to, though the answers would have to wait until I had fully recovered. Bringing up the past, especially this soon, would be almost the equivalent pain to a slow torture. I had already spoken to my Mother on the phone and begged her to not ask me any questions when I arrived home, promising her that I would eventually answer them when I was ready. Being a Mother, she reassured me that she wouldn't pry and told me how glad she was that I was finally coming home. I hadn't seen my Mother for five years, even though I had spoken to her the first two years that had passed on the phone a lot. I missed her warm hugs terribly.

I stroked my hand over my stomach, before looking back outside.

I had asked my Mother to contact Willow, Xander and Giles. I had missed them a lot as well. I hadn't spoken to none of them since I left Sunnydale, so I imagined that they would be very angry with me. I couldn't blame them for being angry; I had been an awful friend for leaving them and not even bothering to contact them. And, if I was blessed with a miracle, then I would be able to make up for it and show them how much they actually meant to me.

I was worried about seeing everyone. No one was pleased with my decision, yet I ignored their advice and warnings over my love for some absolute moron. It was like karma. I had left with a clean past that I could look back on with a smile, though now I was returning with a darker shade of events in the past that would haunt me forever. If only I could have foreseen the devastating and horrific events that would take place, I would have stayed with my Mother and friends. Though, even after everything I had been through, I believed that everything happened for a reason and, given a few years, I would be able to look back and realize the reason.

'We're here, Miss,' said the taxi driver.

I replied with a nod of my head, finding it difficult to speak now.

I grabbed my two duffel bags and dragged them out of the car. The taxi driver had already brought it upon himself to get my suitcases out of the boot and line them up on the curb for me. I couldn't express how grateful I was to have a complete stranger be so kind to me. I pulled out my purse and gave him the money for the journey then, with a weak smile, gave him another twenty dollars. He tried to refuse it, being the gentlemen he obviously was, however I forced him to take it for his kind service. He gave me his blessing, saying that whatever I had been through would work out eventually, before getting back into his cab.

I waved him off. Some woman and children out there were lucky enough to have that charming man as a father or husband. And I found tears brimming in my eyes, wondering why my fairytale hadn't turned out like that. How come the man I loved had broke me beyond repair?

'Buffy!'

I spun around, wincing in pain at my sudden movement, to see my Mother running towards me.

She didn't appear to have aged at all. She was still the same beautiful Mother who had left five years ago. I noticed the sudden horror appear over her face, obviously having noticed the state of my face. I forced myself to smile, ease her worry and pain, though I found it hurt my cheeks.

'Oh, sweetheart!' she cried, wrapping her arms around me.

I dug my face into her neck, breathing in her vanilla scent that I loved so dearly.

'I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you,' my Mother whispered into my hair, stroking my back.

I found it difficult not to role my eyes. I hated how she was sorry for something that was _my _entirefault. I guessed that Mothers would always find a way to blame themselves in their babies were hurt, they would never forgive themselves if they weren't there for a mere second to protect them. Being a Mother was the best job in the world. A pang of hurt stabbed at my heart, and my stomach, when I reflected upon that.

'You're home now. That is all that matters,' my Mother said.

I agreed with her. I was at my real home now. Because, as I had learnt the hard way, home was somewhere where you were safe and surrounded by people who loved you. I would be better off here. My past would never be forgotten and I knew eventually I would have to tell someone, though, for in the meantime, I just needed to recover from the dark times.


	2. It's Not Over

**I cry, I cry  
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head  
I just wanna crawl into my bed  
And throw away the life I led  
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die.**

**It's Not Over, Secondhand Serenade.**

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Mother had sat me down in the kitchen, after bringing in all my bags and suitcases – as I apparently looked too fragile to do so, and placed a cup of water in front of me. As I had asked and she had promised, no questions were asked and no answers were needed. We sat at the table, sipping on our water, and finding anything else to look at but each other. I knew it wasn't easy for her to sit there, trying her best to look calm whilst I was sat opposite her, looking like I had made close friends with a fist. I knew that more than anything she wanted to break down in tears and apologise for not being there, the look was all over her face. Her little girl was covered in bruises and cuts, with huge bags under her eyes and looked like she was suffering from major weight loss, yet she had no idea why. I wanted to give her answers, to give her the truth, but I wanted to bury my past until it was necessary. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore, what good would it do me now?

'Your room is still the same,' she said, placing her cup in the sink and turning to face me, leaning backwards on the counter. I couldn't explain how grateful I was. 'I didn't want to touch anything.'

'Thanks Mom,' I smiled.

I knew that she had never given up on me, that she had always knew, in some odd mother way, that I would return one day. I was thankful that she had kept faith in me and, even if I had left her behind, that she still wanted me to come home. I didn't know why I expected to find my room bare with no sign of it ever being used; I guessed that I just expected her to have given up on me.

'When you're ready, honey, you know I am _always _here,' said Mother, reaching across the table and taking my hand in hers.

'I know,' I replied, squeezing her hand gently, 'I promise that I'll explain eventually, it's just that –'

'You don't have to explain, I promised to not pry,' Mother interrupted, chuckling softly. Though, her response was far from the truth. I knew that she wanted me to explain, but, like she had promised, she wouldn't pry until I was ready.

She told me that she had rung Willow, Xander and Giles, explaining about my return to Sunnydale and how I wanted to see them. Willow had been thrilled to hear I was back, although Mother told me that she was rather hurt when she found out that I wasn't going to contact her.

'I don't deserve a friend like her,' I whispered.

Xander had expressed his anger at leaving with that complete bastard and leaving them behind. He had told Joyce how much he and Willow had gone through after I left. How they had searched to find me yet never succeeded. I knew that I deserved Xander's anger and I wouldn't expect him to be all friendly with me.

And Giles seemed at peace now. Mother had said that he was constantly looking out for anything that could determine where I was and how I was doing. When Mother had told him of my return, she told me how he acted like a lost father who had finally found the child he had lost. After all, Giles had been like the Father I never had.

I hated myself for putting the people I loved in pain. I would never understand why I had been so selfish to leave them in the first place, they had been there for me since day one and I turned my back on them within a matter of seconds. I didn't deserve them as friends, I didn't deserve their love and, if my guesses were right and they acted how I imagined, I didn't deserve their sympathy when they saw the state of me. I didn't want to use the cuts and bruises as a 'get out of jail free card' because the bruises and cuts were my fault and they had taught me a valuable lesson.

'I'm going to go and take a nap, minus the milk and diaper change, is that alright?' I smiled.

Mother nodded.

I got up and walked out, without looking back as I knew she was watching me with her concerned gaze. I hated not being able to confide in her and explain the past five years of my miserable life, yet I knew it would only pain her more to hear my adventures. I knew that I had promised to explain eventually and I knew I would have to, I just didn't know when eventually would actually come.

I had been able to get up stairs into my room, locking the door behind me, and crash on the bed, before letting out the tears that had been burning within. I curled myself into a tight ball; knee's tucked into my chest, and let the sobs out.

It wasn't the physical pain that caused my tears; in fact, the physical pain had come and gone quicker than I expected. Though, I had always been a fast healer. It was the emotional and mental pain that had resulted in me crying like a baby. I cringed inwardly at that thought.

I had changed since I had met him. And I really paid the consequences for that. I had pushed everyone away, besides him, and left Sunnydale without a backwards glance. However, four and a half years after I had left, the consequences came and destroyed me. It was during that time when I realised that it was better to not feel anything at all than feeling everything.

And my reckless choices had led to this. I had given up on being happy because something bad would always come and ruin it. Sometimes, during what I could call the worst times of my life, I wondered if I would ever wake up and just be dreaming. I wondered if I would be able to wake up and be greeted by people who loved me and cared for me.

I never woke up.

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**Authors Note:**

**Hey guys!**

**Wow, thanks so much for the reviews! I was amazed that you liked it!**

**I understand that you are probably confused – I don't blame you because I am giving you hardly anything to go on. No worries – tiny bits of the puzzle shall start being placed together later on in the story. Though, for now, I would love to hear people's theories!**

**Thanks again! **

**Lots of love, Beth x**


	3. Life Got Cold

**And long ago  
I lost my soul  
To some forgotten dream and  
How was I supposed to know  
It wasn't what it seemed  
And even though the last hello  
Has left me on the floor  
I don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore.**

**Life got cold, Girls Aloud.**

*************************************************************************************

I had been unable to fall asleep during my time upstairs. I had tossed and turned, eventually kicking off my covers, before I gave up on getting some rest. I didn't understand why I wanted to go to sleep. I would dream about flashing blue lights, stairs that never ended and bathroom floors. The dreams would wake me up with tears streaming down my face, mingling with the thin layer of sweat on my face. Though, like today, when I was unable to get sleep then I would just get more tired and find myself being restless with everyone. I hadn't minded being a pain in the arse with the nurses and doctors, as I knew that I would never have to see their faces again after I left, however I refused to let myself push my family and friends away again.

There was a soft knock at my door.

I straightened myself out on the bed, realising the uncomfortable position I had been lay in. No wonder I feel so crappy, I thought.

'Come in,' I said, hating the weak tone that seeped into my words.

The door was pushed open slowly and Mother stepped inside, giving me a soft smile. 'How are you feeling, honey?'

'Splendid,' I chuckled.

A small smile tugged at Mom's lips, though it didn't reach her eyes. She continued to watch me under her motherly gaze, wincing every time her eyes fell upon a bruise – as if she could feel the pain I had experienced. I wondered if she had come just to look at me, so she could make sure I wasn't a figment of her imagination, though she proved me wrong when she spoke.

'Your friends are downstairs,' Mom said.

I had wanted them to come, I knew I needed to apologise, yet I felt a stab of fear pinch in my chest. I was scared of their responses when they saw me and I worried that I wouldn't be able to get away from their questions. It was too soon for me to open up about the last few months of hell, and I didn't know if they would understand that.

'I've asked them not to question you,' said Mom, obviously noticing my distressed face, 'they promised to keep their questions to themselves until you're ready.'

I breathed a sigh of relief. My past was like a wound. It was beginning to heal finally, though if I started picking at it now then it would begin to bleed once again and I would suffer a fresh dose of pain. I needed the wound to scab over and heal first. I wanted it to completely heal.

'Shall I send them up?' Mom asked, giving me a reassuring smile.

I wanted to say no, lock the door, hide under the covers, and never have to feel anything again. But I was a brave girl and I knew where my responsibility lay. I looked up at Mom and nodded. She offered me another smile before vanishing from the door, her footsteps echoing down the hall.

I spent the next few minutes playing with the blanket draped across me, trying to control my shaking hands. These were my friends, the friends I had abandoned; it seemed odd for me to be scared of seeing them. I reckoned the unknown was what scared me the most. I was totally oblivious to what their reactions would be; would they be happy? Angry? Sad? Part of me wanted them to strangle me, demanding to know what I had been thinking when I left Sunnydale, though this thought scared me because it would be a question that I still needed time to answer. Or, I thought, maybe there was no answer. I hadn't been in the right frame of mind during those days, my judgement had been clouded by the power of love.

The door opened with a high pitch squeak.

I sucked in a deep breath, forcing myself to stay calm, and turned my head towards the door.

Willow was the first into the room. Five years had matured her extremely. Last time I had seen Willow, which had been a five years previously in this exact bedroom, we were both nineteen years old. Now she was twenty four years old. Her hair was in a bob, random pieces of hair flicking out on either side, yet the same vibrant red colour. I was glad – I had always adored Willow's hair colour. Her face had matured, looking older than the last time I had seen her. Her skin had developed a soft glow through the last five years, making her blue eyes look deeper. Willow had more curves than I remembered and one thing that I hadn't missed was the wedding ring on her finger. I felt a pang of guilt sweep through me. I had missed my best friend's wedding.

Her face looked saddened at first, though it turned into shock when she saw my face. It wasn't as shocked as it could have been, although I guessed Mother had told them about the state of me.

Xander was the next to barge into my room. His face was hardened at first; however it slowly turned into a frown as he studied my face. Xander hadn't changed much through the years. His black hair was slightly longer and shabbier, his face was still tanned and he still showed off an in-shape structure. His face had matured, like Willow's, but still showed signs of his baby face in odd places. I knew that under the deep frown I would recognize the joyful, cheesy smile that was always plastered on his face. However, as I looked closer, I noticed a certain twinkle that wasn't reaching his eyes. And I wondered if I was not the only one who had been having a rough time.

Then, there was Giles. He still wore a smart suit, slightly creased and faded, with a red tie. His glasses were perched on the end of his nose, a small smile spread upon his lips as he observed me. He had a few more wrinkles than the last time I had saw him, though the responsible and loveable Giles was still evident across his face. He looked much taller than before, slightly thinner, and he had huge bags under his eyes. I felt another twinge of guilt as I remembered how much Giles had done for me and how I abandoned him, like Mother and my friends, without even looking back. He didn't deserve it. None of them did.

'Oh, Buffy, you make it extremely hard to be cranky with you,' said Willow, frowning.

'No! Be cranky, please. I deserve it.'

'That bastard did this to you?' growled Xander, his fists clenching and unclenching.

I nodded. Xander didn't press on for anymore answers as I looked down at my shaking hands. There was so much that I wanted to say, that I wanted to explain, though I knew it would have to wait. They deserved an explanation of why I looked like I did, covered in bruises and looking extremely ill, and I knew they deserved a summery of the last five years of my life. However, I decided to start with the most important thing.

My apology.

'Listen, guys, I can't explain how sorry I am and I –'

The rest of my apology was drowned out as the three of them climbed onto the bed and hugged me softly. I noticed how they all seemed to be applying any weight onto me, and I was thankful. Every part of my body had been aching the last week and I would be unable to cope with the agony in all their applied weights were to lean on me.

'We missed you, Buffster,' whispered Xander, rubbing my back.

If only they had knew how much I missed them. I had spent days thinking about them, gazing at the phone and wondering if I should give them a call. In the end I always decided against it as I didn't want to intrude in their lives that I had disconnected myself from.

'I missed you all too,' I replied.

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**Authors Note: YAY, thanks for ALL the reviews. I'm so glad that you are continuing to read. This story shall be confusing for a while. I am set on clearing up Willow, Xander and Giles' time without Buffy first, before dragging Angel into it. He shall probably be mentioned in the next chapter! I hate not being able to answer your questions, but they shall all be answered throughout the story! Once again, thanks so much! X **


	4. I'll Stand By You

**When the night falls on you  
You don't know what to do  
Nothing you confess  
Could make me you love you less.**

**I'll stand by you, Girls Aloud.**

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I sat up in my bed, leaning against the headboard, and gazed at the others. I knew I would probably look rather creepy, and I wouldn't blame them for being slightly worried, though it had been five years since I had last seen them in flesh and I didn't want to rush this moment. However, the three of them just sat there, returning my gaze, occasionally frowning when they scanned my bruised face. I knew it had to be difficult sitting there with your friend, who was bruised and roughed up, and unable to ask them any of the questions that were going through your head. Yet I was thankful that they didn't pry.

My eyes found Willow's wedding ring again. I realized that I needed to know what they had been doing in the last five years. I wanted to know every little detail about their lives, to make up for not being there.

'You're married?' I asked, smiling gently.

Willow looked down at her ring and nodded, mimicking the soft smile that I had across my face. 'To Oz. I am now Mrs. Willow Osbourne,' she chuckled.

I mentally breathed a sigh of relief. I had always adored Willow and Oz's relationship. The two had been going out for at least three years before I left, I had always expected them to get married. I was glad to hear that she was still with Oz, who was without a doubt the love of her life, instead of some other man she had met. With my own personal experience in that department, I knew that sometimes your relationship wasn't everything that it was or was supposed to be. Sometimes, even after years of being together, you just felt trapped and you realized that he wasn't the one you were supposed to be with forever.

'How long?' I questioned.

'Three years,' she replied, a twinkle blossoming in her eyes.

I recognized that twinkle. It was happiness, something I hadn't been familiar with for the last three years. I began to wonder what happiness felt like, I realized that I had been deprived of the happiness I had needed.

'I waited two years, just in case you came back,' said Willow, her voice barely a whisper. Her lips were now pulled in a tight frown.

I leant across the bed and took her hand in mine, giving it a small squeeze. 'I'm so sorry that I missed your big day, Will.'

She shook her head. 'No, it's alright. Anyway, I have bigger news than that-'

'Really?' I laughed, releasing her hand. 'And I thought that marriage was the biggest news I would receive.'

I noticed a look pass between them all. I knew there was something that they needed to tell me, though they were waiting. I noticed how Xander looked away sadly, gazing out of the window, and Giles took off his glasses, wiping them with his handkerchief.

'You have to realize, Buffy, that you were gone for five years. Five years is a long time, so much has changed throughout the years,' said Giles, placing his glasses on the brink of his nose.

I could tell by his tone that he had said it to prepare me for the following events they would share with me, though it didn't stop the pain pinching me in my chest. It hardly seemed like five years since I left and now the words had left Giles' mouth it made it all the more real. I also felt a twinge of guilt as I thought about how much had changed. I wasn't there for one of them if they were upset, I wasn't there to reassure them in times of great need, I wasn't there to sit and eat ice cream all night with them when they were feeling like a night in. I had missed out on so much.

'I know,' I whispered, looking down at clutched hands. 'I'm so sorry-'

'I didn't say it for an apology, Buffy. I merely said it to prepare you,' interrupted Giles.

I was aware of why he had said it, though the apology had just blurted out of my mouth without me even having to think.

'I know, it's just-'

'I have a baby,' Willow blurted out.

My eyes widened as I turned to my best friend. I felt a familiar hurt rush through my body as her words repeated over and over again in my head. Willow had a child. She was a Mother. I had been so close to enjoying Motherhood as well, though fate had decided against it before I had the chance to capture a taste of it. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, though, after I looked around at my three friends, I forced a huge smile across my face to cheer up Willow's uneasy face.

'Congratulations,' I smiled.

I noticed Willow looked slightly guilty yet joyful that I appeared happy for her. I knew that she had interrupted me to save me from explaining myself, giving them more questions to think up of that they would not get answers to for a long time. Though, I felt much guiltier than Willow. I knew that I should actually be happy for her, not just pretending to be.

'What's her name?' I said, trying to make my interest look genuine.

Willow slowly seemed to relax. 'Sky Buffy Osbourne.'

I felt the tears slide down my cheeks before I even had time to wipe them away. After all these years, after I had abandoned our friendship, she had still used my name as a middle name for her child. I felt privileged to have such a caring friend who had tried her best to cling onto our friendship, whether I was here or not.

'Oh, Buffy, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry,' said Willow, crawling over the bed to give me a gentle hug.

'Wow I feel uncomfortable,' Xander laughed quietly.

I quickly wiped my tears away, noticing Xander and Giles' uncomfortable expressions, before rubbing Willow's back, whispering thanks in her ear.

'I never gave up, Buffy,' she whispered sadly.

The guilt was dragging me under with its sharp claws, pulling me beneath the surface until I was completely surrounded by the feeling. I had been such a selfish person in the last five years, obsessing over myself when I had friends who needed me. I had missed out on Willow's wedding, not being able to play my role as chief bridesmaid like we had decided in High School, and I had missed out on her pregnancy, unable to help her prepare for her baby.

Though, even if she had Oz, I knew what it felt like to not have your best friend there during those times, even if it had only been for a few weeks for me. Maybe if I had never left I would have been able to enjoy Motherhood, laugh about pregnancy cravings with Willow and would have never missed out on the important events I had unfortunately been unable to witness. Looking back on the past, it had been the most stupid decision I had ever made to ever leave Sunnydale.

'I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you,' I sighed, my final tears vanishing.

Willow shook her head, giving me a reassuring smile. 'You don't have to keep apologizing, Buffy, it isn't necessary. Anyway, you're here now – that's all that matters.'

Never in my life would I understand what I had done to deserve Willow. Any other person would turn their backs on their best friend if they had walked out on them, not making contact with them once throughout the time they had gone, yet Willow was totally forgiving for the huge mistake I had made. Part of me wondered if the bruises on my face were forcing her to give me sympathy, I even wondered if she knew what had happened whilst I had been gone, but I realized that it was just Willow being herself as always.

'I want to know everything about your wedding and baby,' I smiled, straightening up against the headboard, wincing in pain slightly. 'Then I want to hear everything, and I mean _everything, _that has happened to you two as well,' I finished, giving Xander and Giles a stern look.

The two of them looked rather uncomfortable with that thought, although they both nodded anyway. I turned my attention back to Willow, who had positioned herself next to me, and noticed how relaxed she looked now. It was like the last five years had never happened to her. It was like an average day, talking to each other about everything and anything.

'It was your usual wedding,' began Willow.

I nodded.

'Your Mom was invited. Tara and Anya-'

I didn't miss the sympathetic look that she threw at Xander. I knew that something wasn't quite right there, though I would have to wait until someone was ready to share it with me.

'- Were bridesmaids. Xander and Angel were the best men –'

'Angel?' I questioned, my eyes widening.

Angel was an amazingly handsome childhood friend of ours. I remembered the way his brown hair spiked up, the depth that his brown orbs held, the way his pale skin shined in the sun. He was completely perfect. I hadn't spoken to him since Graduation as I thought he had moved to LA to go to a college in that area, though I guess I was wrong.

'Yeah, he came back from LA about six months after you left. LA wasn't his scene, but I thought it was because you weren't there,' laughed Willow, giving me a wink.

I remembered the 'chemistry' that everyone thought me and Angel shared. Angel had enjoyed this, as Willow told me that he secretly had a crush on me, though Spike hadn't been impressed. In fact, Spike had been joyful when he found out that Angel had moved to LA. I always thought that Spike was jealous of Angel being my friend. Angel had always been protective of me, even when we were around Spike, though he knew there was a line which he couldn't cross.

'He was devastated when he realized you left with Spike-' I noticed Willow's face harden at _his _name, 'and he asked about you a lot. After the hundredth time, I told him that you weren't coming back. It took a while, he got the message eventually.'

I could imagine Angel's face when he arrived at my home, only to find an empty flat and friends who had no idea of my whereabouts. Angel had always been there for me, like Willow and Xander, and I realized that he didn't deserve to be abandoned as well.

'Yeah, so, Xander and Angel were best men. Giles gave me away. It was your typical white wedding basically,' said Willow, shrugging her shoulders.

I gave her a brief smile before nodding, wanting her to continue so I could catch up with her life. Even though Angel was fixed in my head, I forced myself to stay focused on Willow.

'Almost two years later, I found out I was pregnant with Sky,' smiled Willow, her face turned into a dazed expression as she obviously began to remember the day.

'How old is Sky?' I said.

'Three months,' smiled Willow.

Another stab of pain in my heart, as I remembered the events of the last few months. It could have been me with the happy family. Destiny had forbidden it though. I believed that everything happened for a reason, though I was having a difficult time trying to find the reason.

'I can't wait to meet her,' I replied.

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**Authors Note: Wow, I waffled on haha. I'm hoping to make most of my chapters this length. ****I hope none of you think I have rushed it. There was only so much I could write before I had to mention part of her past. You have found out more about Willow's last five years, Xander and Giles' shall be a mystery until next chapter, and Angel's past was briefly mentioned! YAY. You have also found out who Buffy had left with and found out part of her horrific tale. More past tales to come. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS! I hope you continue to review as I promise that I am trying to make this very interesting for you all. Lots of love, Beth x**


	5. Keep Holding On

**You're not alone  
Together we stand  
I'll be by your side  
You know I'll take your hand  
When it gets cold  
And it feels like the end  
There's no place to go  
You know I won't give in  
No I won't give in.**

**Keep Holding On, Avril Lavigne.**

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I sat and listened as Willow told me everything I needed to know about Sky. I was glad to hear that she had Willow's hair – the exact same of vibrant red – with Oz's eyes. Willow told me how I had been named God Mother, even if I hadn't been around during her pregnancy or birth, and even I couldn't hide the tears that welled up in my eyes. I didn't deserve any of this, none of their warmth or friendship. I wished that they would shout at me, tell me what an awful friend I was, but they didn't. I wanted to ask them why they still cared for me the same as before I left, though I bit back the urge to ask as I didn't to cause any pain for them.

Soon enough, Willow had run out of things to fill me in on and fell quiet.

I looked back towards Xander and Giles, who had remained quiet whilst Willow spoke, and wondered about what had happened in the last five years for them. I wondered if Xander had a few kids now with Anya, who had been his girlfriend at the time of my departure, or if Giles had met a nice woman to settle down with. I hoped that they hadn't had to go through a tough time like me, experiencing emotions that would surely break you. They didn't deserve that.

Xander's eyes met my own. I noticed how dull they seemed, even with the small smile gracing upon his face. I had missed Xander's quirky comments and how he was able to brighten up everywhere he went. He, along with Willow, Giles and Angel, were the reason I survived High School.

'I know you're angry with me, Xand, and I understand that…' I said, my eyes never leaving his. 'But I _need _to know.'

Xander's eyes fell from mine, looking anywhere but me, before rising to his feet and wandering the perimeter of the room. I decided to be patient and wait until he was ready to tell me. I knew how unfair it was to learn everything about their past five years, yet they couldn't ask me anything about mine, and I wished for a second that the pain in my chest wasn't painful so that I couldn't open up about my past.

'Three years after you left, I proposed to Anya,' Xander sighed, rubbing his hands across his face.

There was something in his tone that suggested I shouldn't congratulate him. I remained silent and waited to hear more of his story.

'The wedding was planned for last year in the summer.'

He took a deep breath and leant against the window frame, peering out at the street below. I noticed the familiar pain in his expression; I had woken up with the same broken look every morning for the last two years. My hopes for Xander's happy family slowly began to crumble away.

'She was walking home from work one day and was stabbed,' whispered Xander, his voice breaking on the last word.

I felt like a weight had dropped in my stomach. I thought about Anya; the loving, quirky, odd person she was. I had admired how different she had been from everyone in High School, not caring if she came across as rude or if she asked an inappropriate question. In fact, Buffy had often loved to watch Anya make people uncomfortable with her straight forward attitude.

I got up from my bed, wincing as I felt a sharp pain run through my body, and shuffled over to Xander. Willow and Giles remained sat down, looking around at my room to give us some privacy.

I reached up and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head against his warm body. I felt him drop his arms around my shoulders, giving me a slight squeeze, before resting his chin upon the top of my head. I heard him sniff and I felt my heart hurt for him. Xander had been so in love with Anya, willing to put her before himself, and he had her snatched away from hi before they could even get married. I couldn't imagine how it felt to prepare for the greatest day of your life then it never happened. I couldn't understand how Xander had survived that amount of grief. His wedding day, the best day of his life, was over before it began.

'I'm so sorry, Xander,' I whispered into his shirt.

'Me too,' sighed Xander, letting out a shaky breath.

I hated how I hadn't been there for him during the most difficult time of his life. I was supposed to be one of his best friends; I should have been there for him! I began to mentally curse myself for being so selfish and for only thinking about what was best for me those five years ago. I should have considered my friends and family, how my decision would have affected them, but I had been too busy trying to please Spike. I shivered at the thought of his name.

'I will never _ever _let you go through that alone again,' I said.

'I love you, Buffster,' replied Xander, giving me a soft squeeze.

'I love you too,' I smiled. 'More than you know.'

We released each other. I didn't want to press on with the subject as it had clearly wounded him, so I returned to my bed. I knew from having personal experience that the pain was still fresh for Xander and he needed it to fade before being able to talk about it properly. Xander followed and took a seat in front of Giles, who was stood behind the bed and looking out of the window.

I was about to ask Giles about his last five years, as he seemed as distant as Xander, when I noticed Willow shaking her head. I cocked my head to the side, giving her a confused look.

'Give him time. He'll tell you when he's ready,' whispered Willow.

I nodded, glancing back at Giles. I _needed _to know his past and if it was as happy as Willow's or as devastating as Xander's. Though, judging by Willow's cryptic message, I knew that the worst was yet to come. It must have been pretty tragic if he was unable to tell me until his ready, although I respected his decision. After all, I was hiding so much from everyone that it seemed unfair for me to ask but not answer.

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After everyone had departed, I returned up to my room. Mother followed me, carrying a tray of muffins and coffee, and closed the door with her foot. She took a seat at the end of my bed, placing the tray between us, and leant back, observing me under her motherly eyes.

I reached forward and took a mug of coffee, ignoring the feeling like I was being x-rayed. I raised the mug to my lips and blew away the steam, letting my eyes meet Mothers.

'Have you seen Willow's baby?' I asked.

Mother took a bite out of her blueberry muffin, chewed for a while before swallowing. 'Yes. She has the most beautiful tuft of red hair.'

I remembered how Willow had described her. I was fairly certain that Willow would be returning tomorrow with her daughter, though she had explained that Oz was at a gig in another town and would be unavailable.

'And Anya?' I said, frowning instantly.

A frown unfolded over Mother's lips. She took another bite out of her blueberry muffin, probably trying to avoid answering, and looked out of the window. I realised that if I didn't press on then she wouldn't answer.

'Xander didn't really elaborate,' I added, taking a sip of my coffee.

'I don't blame him,' whispered Mother, turning back to face me.

I noticed the sudden grief that had overwhelmed her face. A rush of guilt sparked through me as I looked down at my mug, gazing into the brown liquid, and avoiding my Mother's pained eyes.

'Anya had been asking me for wedding tips a day before she died,' Mother sniffed, placing her muffin back on the tray. It was unfinished. Just like Anya's life had been.

'Wedding tips?' I frowned.

'She said that she wanted her day to be perfect. One minute we were preparing her wedding day, the next Xander comes round in hysterics and tells me that Anya is d-'

She cut off and looked down at her shaking hands. When she looked back up, tears filled her beautiful eyes.

'She didn't deserve to die so soon,' Mother choked out.

I climbed over the bed and pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back soothingly.

'I know, Mom, I know,' I whispered, blinking back my own tears, 'we just have to keep holding on.'

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**Authors note:**

**Thanks SO much for the reviews. They mean so much. I hope you liked this chapter. I PROMISE that Angel shall be making an appearance in the next chapter. Maybe that could inspire you to review? Haha. Thanks again for the reviews. Lots of love, Beth x**


	6. Out From Under

**Breathe you out  
Breathe you in  
You keep coming back to tell me  
you're the one who could have been  
and my eyes see it all so clear  
It was long ago and far away but it never disappears  
I try to put it in the past  
Hold on to myself and don't look back**

**Out from under, Britney Spears.**

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I awoke in a pool of cold sweat the next morning. My bed covers were on the floor, obviously after being kicked off in the night, and my pillows had also found themselves on the floor. My knees were tucked into my chest, my arms wrapped around them to keep them firm, whilst my head was tucked into my chest. My hair was stuck to my sweaty face. Even though it was fairly warm, I was still shaking frightfully.

I slowly unravelled myself from the tight ball I had wielded into, wincing every now and again when a stab of pain would strike through my body, and sat up. I wiped the sweat off with the back of my hand, trying to restrain my hand as it shook uncontrollably.

I had been running through the darkness, completely oblivious to where I was and why I was running. Nevertheless I continued running. There was no glimmer of light that would lighten the way, giving me an insight as to where I actually was, but I somehow managed. I knew it was a dream because I wasn't drowned by a certain pain that had been haunting me for the last few months. There was no pain weighing me down like wet clothes that I had walked through a pool in. No. In fact, for the first time in five years, I felt completely free. Almost like a bird.

'Get here bitch!' I had heard his gruff voice shout.

I continued running, like I had before, though there was now a meaning behind it. I was running _away _from him. I began to run faster, pain burning deep into my chest, as I glanced over my shoulder. I saw a hand spin towards me and before I knew it, before I was able to comprehend what was happening, I was falling. My eyes only opened for a matter of seconds, though there was now a light and I now noticed that I was falling down the stairs. That is when I had woken up.

A shiver ran down my spine as I shook my head, almost as if the dream would disappear out of my memory with every shake. It didn't though, as I deeply wished it would, but it stuck in my mind like it had been super-glued there.

There was a knock at the door. I stood up, running my fingers through my hair, and shuffled towards the door, feeling my restless night kick in. I suddenly felt more pained than usual. And, as I opened the door, I realised I was hurting mentally as well as physically now. Along with the pain in my stomach, there was a sudden painful orb surrounding me.

'Morning,' Mother greeted me.

I felt a wave of guilt hit me.

Mother had huge bags beneath her eyes; her smile didn't reach her dazzling blue orbs. Her skin looked faint, her regular sun kissed glow slightly faded. Though, what reached out to me the most was the concern that clouded her beautiful face. I wondered if I had kept her up all night. Had I screamed out loud? Had I thrashed around on my bed that loudly? I would never know. I knew she was dying to ask me questions, to beg me to open up, but the pain was clawing at my insides and I was pretty sure it was evident on my face. I knew that she was fighting her own battle, trying to stop herself from asking questions and pushing me away. This thought only made me feel guiltier.

'Morning,' I replied, trying to put on the best cheery voice I could.

Mother smiled, although the concern was still carved into her features. I knew it would take her a while to relax and I didn't blame her.

'Willow is going to be around for dinner,' said Mother, a sliver of a smile approaching her face, 'and I was wondering if you wanted to pick up some supplies. Obviously I can, but I was just –'

'I will!' I interrupted.

I was thankful to find a reason to get out of the house, clear my head.

Twenty five minutes later, after pulling on a pair of jeans and a tank top, running a brush through my knotted hair and grabbing my purse and keys, I was pulling up outside a local supermarket a few streets down. There was a light rain pouring down on Sunnydale, which was the main reason on why I had driven instead of walked. I had wanted to take a walk around, like a tourist, to look at everything and compare the changes. Unfortunately, the light rain had chosen a different outcome.

I jumped out of the car, slamming the door shut and locked it with the remote control key. Just as I was about to turn I caught a glimmer of my reflection in the car window. I groaned as I scanned my face. The bruises were turning a light yellow colour, my skin was still as pale as a sheet and the huge bags under my eyes were rather eye-catching. I hoped that I would be able to run into the supermarket, grab some supplies and get back into the safety of my car before anyone noticed me.

I shoved my keys into my pocket, where they joined my purse and phone, and shuffled into the supermarket. I let my head drop towards the floor as I grabbed a trolley and pushed it through the automatic doors. I glanced up once, breathing a sigh of relief to see only a few unfamiliar people. I relaxed slightly and began pushing the trolley faster, wanting to make my visit quick as possible.

As I started shuffling up the fourth aisle, I realised that Mother hadn't given me a list of supplies she had wanted. I sighed. I guess I had been in such a rush to clear my head that I had been unaware of any of my surroundings. I let out another sigh and reached down into my pocket, pulling about my phone.

My fingers slid across the buttons, typing in the home number – or at least the latest number I had for home – when I heard someone call my name.

_Damn, _I thought.

I spun around to be greeted by a muscular chest covered in a black t-shirt. I looked up to be greeted by the smiling face of Angel, my old childhood friend, looking as handsome, or even more, than I remembered him. His brown hair was spiked up, as I secretly liked it, his brown orbs shining with a familiar twinkle, a huge smile stretched out across his face. Though, like everyone else, his smile soon vanished to be replaced by a deep frown.

However, without even trying, a huge smile unfolded over my face.

'Your face,' he whispered.

'Angel,' I smiled, throwing my arms around his waist – I was unable to reach around his shoulders.

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer into his chest. I breathed in the scent of his t-shirt, before scolding myself for acting like a pathetic teenager who had a crush. Angel was my friend, a really _close _friend, and I refused to change that. In fact, I was that scarred from my past that I knew it would be a while before I opened up to a man again.

'I missed you,' Angel breathed, releasing me slowly. 'Where's Spikey?'

His tone was hard and bitter.

I looked up to notice the smile had disappeared, once again, and he now had a hardened expression on his face. His jaw clenched and the sparkle seemed to freeze whilst he waited for my answer.

'He, erm – I, erm … I don't want to really talk about it,' I frowned, looking down at the floor.

'Wait, he isn't here with you?' said Angel.

I shook my head. I felt like somebody was ripping at my chest. Clawing their way through with sharp, razorblade claws that would never let the pain heal. I winced as I felt a pain in my stomach. Almost like it was reminding me of my past, like it wanted me to tell Angel of the torture I had been submitted to since I had left.

'That bastard did that to you?' snarled Angel, bringing up my bruises.

I looked up. 'Angel, please,' I begged.

Whatever emotions my face possessed, Angel seem to soften – his eyes shining with pity, his lips pulling into a sorrowful frown – and pulled me into another hug. He stroked my hair, resting his chin upon my head, and let out a deep, frustrated sigh.

'I'm sorry, Buffy. You seem distressed enough, I shouldn't have pushed,' he apologised, moving his hand to now stroke my back. 'I just hate the fact that you left with _him _to start with. He never deserved you – _never!_'

I couldn't face looking up at the disappointment on his face, it would completely break me. Instead, after pulling away from his grasp, and keeping my head to the floor, I mumbled about getting some supplies and quickly pushed the trolley down the aisle. I didn't turn back, as awful as I felt, and grabbed random ingredients off the shelf, unaware of what I was actually purchasing.

I felt guilty as I paid for my purchases, grabbed the carrier bags and almost ran out of the supermarket. I knew it wasn't Angel's fault that he had brought up the one thing no one else would dare. I knew he was unaware of the hurt that the subject had over me.

I needed to turn my back on the past and never look back. However, it takes time for all wounds to heal. I just needed to wait through the process.

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**Hey everyone!**

**Wow, thanks for all the reviews, story alets & favourites! **

**My Mum took my laptop for a week, due to attitude reasons haha. So I was unable to write. I was heart-broken without writing, so I'm going to be a good ickle girl from now on haha. Reviews are appreciated! x**


	7. Take Me Away

**I cannot find a way to describe it  
It's there inside; all I do is hide  
I wish that it would just go away  
what would you do, you do, if you knew  
what would you do**

**Take Me Away, Avril Lavigne. **

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'A jar of mustard, a pack of cheesy puffs, some beans …'

Mother pulled out my purchases from the supermarket, giving each one a weird look, before shrugging and putting them into the cupboard. I would have found this situation amusing a few years ago; cracking up in laughter at the confused expression on Mother's face. Now I just watched as she unpacked everything, feeling slightly guilty for being useless. It showed how much time and _one _person had altered me.

'Huh, beef jerky!' Mom chuckled, keeping the packet lay on the table.

I ran my hand through my hair, silently cursing myself for being so unreliable. I hated how everyone was being so laid back with me, waving off all my mistakes, I would have preferred it if everyone shouted at, told me what I stupid person I was. They all just watched me with sympathetic eyes, wishing that they could do something more to help. What they didn't understand was that being here, not questioning me, just their presence, was enough.

Mom looked up at me.

I noticed the questions burning in her eyes. She was the one person in the world who have never turned their back on me, who had promised to stay and had, who meant the world to me. She had always been there for me since I was born – looked after me when I was sick, helped me with my problems, turned me into the woman I was today. I couldn't even repay her back. I couldn't even let her inside my head, into my heart, and I knew that I was killing her with the questions that she wasn't able to ask. After all, who would like to see their daughter battered and bruise yet not be able to know why? I felt sick to the stomach.

'I'm sorry,' I whispered, looking down at my clutched hands.

'Don't be, honey,' said Mom.

She walked over and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into her warm embrace. I leant my head on her shoulder, breathing in the vanilla scent that stained her clothes, and wrapped my arms around her waist. I needed Mom like I needed oxygen.

'I'm so sorry,' I sighed, cursing the tears that threatened to fall.

Mom shook her head, smoothing down my hair as I heard her take a deep breath.

'You have nothing to be sorry for,' she said, her voice trembling slightly.

I hated what I was doing to her. She didn't deserve to be tossed around like a rag doll, to be denied the whereabouts of her daughters' life for the last five years. I knew I needed to tell her and explain myself. Though, after I had explained, would it pain her even more?

-----

I sat at the table, a warm mug of coffee resting in between my hands, and watched as Mother cooked. The smell assaulted my nostrils and I felt my mouth watering slightly. I had always enjoyed watching Mom cook, even if I sadly didn't possess the same skill as her. I seemed to burn everything.

I raised the mug to my mouth and took a sip of the scorching coffee, wincing as the warm liquid burnt my throat. I took in a deep breath, my eyes watering.

'Buffy? Joyce?'

I rose from my seat, pushing the mug away from me, and headed towards the door.

Willow's hair was swept up in a rough ponytail, odd pieces of hair poking out in different directions, whilst huge bags lay beneath her eyes. She looked like she hadn't been able to get a good night sleep. I gave her a sympathetic look, which she answered with a small smile.

Suddenly, the baby in her arms caught my attention.

I felt my heart tear down the centre, oxygen becoming limited to my craving lungs, as a new set of tears threatened to well up in my eyes.

She barely had any hair, though the few hairs she did possess were a beautiful red colour like Willow's hair. Her eyes were a light blue, exactly how Buffy remembered Oz's eyes to be. She had pale, transparent skin. Her body was wrapped up in a warm, pink cover, though her tiny fingers poked out over the top of it. Her fingers were so tiny …

There was a furious pain in my heart. It felt like someone had lit it alight, and then stomped upon it to put out the fierce flames that were scolding my already fragile heart. My lungs were failing, like they weren't receiving enough oxygen to keep them going. I felt numb. I was an empty shell, possessing no soul.

'Buffy?'

Willow's voice sounded so distant.

Before I knew what I was doing, before I could comprehend anything, I was running out of my house as fast as my legs would take me. I could hear Mom and Willow shouting for me to come back, though I kept running until there was only silence.

Eventually my broken body began to ache. I steadied to a slow walk, feeling the pain catch up with me, and realised that I was crying. The tears were slowly falling down my cheek, each one showing the pain that I was unable to describe. I could feel my hands shaking, I could hear my teeth chattering, but I kept walking.

I wondered how I could miss something that I never had. I had never had my baby, I never experienced motherhood, and I never got to see whose eyes she would have or if she looked more like me or her father. I had been so close, and yet so far. I had been well prepared to become a mother – reading books, watching documentaries, and learning from others – so why had it been taken away from me? Didn't I deserve it?

I would have cherished my baby. She would have meant more than my own life. Nobody could have ever meant as much to me as she would have. But I never got my chance. I was completely alone.

I felt my body shaking, my tears continuing to poor from my tired eyes, though I felt too weak to care.

It felt like all the strength had drained out of me. Life had no meaning. It was pointless.

I felt someone's warm arm wrap around my trembling shoulders. Without looking to see who it was, I turned my head and buried it into their chest. I began to sob louder, letting out all the tortured emotions I had kept bottled up. It was hard to be strong all the time.

'Come on,' whispered a soft voice.

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**WOW, WOW, WOWWW!**

**Thank you so so much everyone for all the reviews. When I set out to write this story, it was just a little something that I didn't expect anyone to read. But I'm so glad that many of you are enjoying it. Thank you so much for all of your time – reading and reviewing! It always puts a huge smile on my face! x**


	8. The Climb

**There's always gonna be another mountain  
I'm always gonna wanna make it move  
Always gonna be a uphill battle  
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose  
Ain't about how fast I get there  
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side  
It's the climb.**

**The Climb – Miley Cyrus.**

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I leant all my weight against him, finding that my feet felt like they were ready to buckle any moment. His arm was wrapped around my shoulder, his fingers grazing up and down my arm softly, whilst he walked in silence. I guessed that he had learnt from his mistakes. He knew not to bring it up; he knew that asking questions was the sure way of making me flee. I wanted to thank him for the silence, although I didn't know how. How could I thank him? He had already done too much for me. I had fled from him, left him stood confused in the supermarket, yet he had found me – without knowing that I needed to be found – and was now taking care of me. I didn't deserve this. I didn't understand why everyone continued to care when I wasn't playing it fair to them.

I tried to struggle out of his grip. I needed to get away from him – I didn't want to contaminate him with my problems and pain. I couldn't bare to drag anyone else down under with me, they deserved to have freedom and happy lives. What type of a friend was I if I let them be dragged under, not let them resurface?

'Hey,' whispered Angel, clutching around my shoulder firmer. 'It's ok, you're ok.'

I knew I was ok, or, at least I knew I would be, and even if I wasn't then I would be able to cope with the pain. It was _him _I was worried about. Didn't he realise that all I brought to my friends and family was pain? I had left Mom, deserted her, and barely spoke to her in five years, ringing eventually to ask to come home with no questions asked. Then Willow, Xander and Giles. So much had happened in their lives; some painful events, some happy events. Willow had gotten married and gave birth to a – I winced – beautiful baby. Xander had lost his soul mate weeks before his wedding. And Giles. Well, I was completely unaware of what had happened to Giles. It was so selfish of me to have anyone fuss over me whilst others suffered through their pain alone.

I felt soft raindrops begin to fall. I looked up at the dark, grey sky. It looked fierce, the dark clouds all grouped together. I wondered if it would thunder and lightning – it would go perfectly with the rain. The weather seemed to reflect my mood, I thought. It looked like it had no hope left, that nothing was bright anymore – only grey.

I was so entranced in the weather, making up similarities between my mood and it, that I hadn't notice Angel shrug off his jacket, wrapping it around my shoulders. I hadn't even noticed that I was cold – nothing seemed to be registering with my brain except from the constant stabbing pain in my heart. I realised that I had ran out so quickly that I hadn't even bothered to grab a coat or jacket.

'No, Angel, you'll be cold,' I said.

I reached up to pull the coat off me, to give it back to him, although he kept his arm wrapt tightly around my shoulder, sneakily stopping me from being able to get if off. He reached towards the back of the coat and pulled the hood over my hair.

'You're hairs longer than before,' Angel murmured.

I wanted to reply, at least show a warm act towards him, though I couldn't. I knew that I would just end up reminding him, along with myself, of the five year period where we hadn't seen each other. I wondered if that was his purpose for saying that, if he had sneakily wondered if I would open up about the past five years.

I just nodded in reply.

I finally looked up and was surprised to find that we were on my street. I realised that I hadn't gotten far when I ran, although my mind had been distracted and I had been too busy trying to survive through the gut-wrenching pain. I winced as I saw children splashing in puddles, screaming when their friends splashed them, with huge smiles, glee shining in their eyes. I felt the pain crumpling my heart with a large force. I winced again. I felt Angel give me a small squeeze around the shoulders. I guessed that he had seen my face twist into pain; I was grateful that he only gave me a squeeze and didn't overwhelm me with questions. I watched as parents stood in the window, watching their children with expressions that made me wonder if they wanted to join their kids in the puddles.

Suddenly, the rain was gone.

I let reality catch up with me. I looked around and noticed we were inside my house, wrapped in its warmth. There was now a ceiling above our heads, sheltering us from the rain. A cold shiver ran through me, though I didn't understand why. I looked down and realised Angel's arm had dropped from around my shoulders. I hadn't noticed how warm he made me felt, how his strong heart shined through and brightened me up. I hadn't noticed how cold it was until he was gone. I frowned slightly. Angel's effect had warmed me up inside. It was like he was my own personal ball of sun.

'Oh, Buffy!'

It took me moments before I realised that Mom had wrapped me up in a tight embrace, digging her head into my shoulder. I noticed the panic in her voice. I raised my hand and rubbed her back softly, closing my eyes to breathe in her scent. I cursed myself for the second time that day for being so unfair to her. She didn't deserve to be put through this, through the unknown and the pain, through the unnecessary guilt that she wasn't helping because being here, sticking with me through this difficult time, was all that I needed.

I opened my eyes. I saw Angel and Willow stood in the kitchen entrance, talking quietly between themselves. I noticed Angel was cradling Willow's baby, Sky, in his arms, rocking her slightly as he spoke. Sky lay peacefully in his arms, sucking her tiny thumb as her bright blue eyes gazed up at Angel in fascination. With a stab of pain, I realised that it could have been my baby everyone would be obsessing over. Though, no one knew it yet.

Mom's arms dropped from around me. She stepped out of our embrace, holding me by the shoulders, and scanned my face. I realised that she was checking for bruises or cuts. I knew that, besides the scabbed over cuts and yellow-ish bruises, that my face was clean of any other type of consequence that I had suffered in the last few months.

'Buffy.'

I heard Willow's voice crack slightly. I looked around Mom to see Willow, stood slightly back, with a guilty and concerned expression over her already tired face. I realised that, once again, I had put someone I loved through torment. I hadn't meant to make Willow feel bad, especially as she had no idea of what she had done wrong, and I wished now, more than any other time, I could tell her _everything, _but I was still unable to declare the events, still too scared of feeling the pain when I remembered them. Keeping my eyes away from the beautiful child in Angel's arms, I stepped forward and pulled Willow into a hug.

'I'm so sorry, Will, it wasn't you – I swear, it was me,' I whispered.

She nodded, and I could feel the strain in her neck – as if she didn't want to agree, like she was forcing herself to nod.

*******************************************

The day turned into night, the sun set over the horizon, and the stars glistened in the dark sky. The streets were silent, only the sound of a few cars passing by ruined the perfect silence. The streetlamps brightened up the sky, along with the help of the stars. The rain had ceased, leaving puddles splattered over the streets, yet the disturbing clouds remained, darkening the sky even more. I closed the curtains and turned back to the cosy sitting room.

Angel sat in an armchair opposite me. He sat reading through a magazine, his eyes occasionally fluttering up to meet mine. Willow sat on the end of the sofa, Sky in her arms, furthest away from me, and was rocking her baby softly, trying to send her asleep. Mom sat in between me and Willow, almost like a wall, and was the main lifeline for cutting all the awkwardness away. She would bring up conversations, ones that steered away from me, and helped me to get answers to questions I had wanted to ask, without knowing that she was helping me gain more details.

Finally, Angel rose to his feet and stretched his arms. He placed the magazine back on the armchair.

'Well, I better get going,' said Angel.

'Me too,' added Willow, also rising to her feet.

I frowned; I didn't want them to leave, especially what felt like so soon. I had wanted them to leave at first, when they first seated themselves in the sitting room, as I didn't want to keep up with this happy façade that was taking up most of my energy. I needed to make sure no one could see through my fake happiness. Then I slowly relaxed, being able to smile without forcing myself to. I found myself almost laughing at some of Angel's comments. I had missed him a lot.

'You can visit anytime,' said Mom, already helping Willow put Sky into her pram.

I had spent the last few hours keeping my eyes anywhere but Sky, pretending like the small baby didn't exist. I felt horrible, drowning within my own guilt, at refusing to even register the existence of my best friends' baby. I knew it wasn't right, that I should suck up the pain and face my problems, although I didn't think I was ready to face that problem yet. Thankfully, no one had noticed that I had been keeping my eyes away from Sky.

Willow left Joyce looking after Sky for a moment, and returned to my side, pulling me into a hug.

'We should go out sometime,' she said.

'Sure,' I replied.

She pulled out of the embrace and offered me a faint smile. I forced a smile back. She returned back over to the pram, chuckling at a comment that Mom had made, whilst Angel sauntered forwards.

I looked up into his deep eyes, the pain melting away. He pulled me into his strong chest, being very gently as he hugged me. He stroked down my blonde hair, resting his chin upon my head, and sighed quietly. I snuggled deeper into his embrace, finding the sudden warmth spreading through my body once again. It felt nice. The pain hadn't gone completely, yet it had faded into the background. All I could feel now was the warmth.

'I'm so glad you're back, Buffy,' whispered Angel.

'Me too,' I said.

Angel let his arms drop from around me, taking a step backwards. He raised his hand, though immediately dropped it when he notice me wince. I felt guilt overwhelm the warmth, turning it into an icy cold feeling. I noticed the flash of pain cross Angel's face before he composed it again into a faint smile. I knew - deep in my hearts, my soul, my bones – that Angel would _never _hurt me, yet I couldn't explain why I flinched when he simply raised his hand.

'I'll be back tomorrow,' Angel promised, pressing a kiss against my forehead.

I leant forward slightly, enjoying his smooth lips pressed against my skin, though they were gone before I could fully enjoy the feeling. The warmth had returned again.

Angel and Willow both left, walking down the path and then turning right. I watched as their figures faded into the darkness. As soon as they left, the warmth drained out of me. All I felt was the coldness.

*****************************************

**Authors Note:**

**Thank you SOOOO much for the reviews! It means SO much to me. Well, Angel starred in this chapter and will be a huge main character from now on. I hope you all like this chapter! I apologise for taking so long to reply! And is this a better length for the chapter? I'm pushing myself now to write 2000 words :) **

**Lots of love, Beth x**


	9. Mama

**I didn't want to hear it then but  
I'm not ashamed to say it now,  
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,  
I had a lot of time to think about,  
about the way I used to be,  
Never had a sense of my responsibility.**

Back then I didn't know why,  
why you were misunderstood,  
So now I see through your eyes,  
all that you did was love,

Mama I love you, Mama I care,  
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,  
You're my friend ,you're my friend

**Mama, Spice Girls.**

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I woke up the next morning shaking violently. Sweat pooled on my forehead, my hair sticking to my face, whilst tears welled up in my eyes. When I tried to get up, finding that my whole body was sweating as I was so warm, my feet were tangled in the bed covers, making me a prisoner in my own bed. I wriggled my legs, gasping for air, until I finally kicked them off. I jumped up and ran out of the room.

I knew the house rather well which was why in the early hours of the morning I was able to find the bathroom down the hall in the dark. I threw the door open, stumbling inside and dropped to my knees in front of the toilet. When I opened my mouth, nothing came up. I could feel the vomit bubbling in my stomach, rising up my throat. I coughed and suddenly loads of bile poured from my mouth. Tears poured down my face as I clutched the side of the toilet, waiting until the uncomfortable feeling would cease. I hadn't even realised Mother behind me, holding back my knotted hair for me.

Finally, I shakily stood up and wiped my mouth. I fell towards the sink and began rinsing my mouth out, banishing the horrible taste from my mouth. The tears had stopped, though they had left tear tracks down my face. There was a burning in my throat and my stomach felt queasy. I turned around and collapsed into Mom's waiting arms, pressing my face into the material of her warm dressing down.

'Oh, honey, I wish I could help you,' whispered Mom, her tears mingling in my hair.

-----

I woke up again the next morning, curled up on the sofa with a blanket thrown over me. I couldn't even remember how I had gotten down here, or when I had fallen asleep. The last thing I remembered was vomiting, my stomach felt queasy at the thought, and then hugging Mom tightly. I ran my fingers through my hair, blinking a few times to adjust my eyes to the brightness, before looking around the room. A mug was sat on the coffee table, steam spiralling from the warm liquid, with a piece of paper sat besides it, folded neatly in half. I leant forward, feeling my whole body ache painfully, and picked up the piece of paper.

_Buffy,_

_Sorry I had to go. I have to go to the Art Gallery – an important meeting. _

_I will try and get home soon._

_Love you lots,_

_Mom._

I frowned, dropping the note back onto the table.

I had no idea what time I had woken up, although I knew it had been sometime in the early hours of the morning. I knew that I had most definitely woke Mom up during my vomiting, as she had held my hair back for me, and I guessed that she had stayed with me downstairs until I had fallen back asleep. I didn't even want to think what I had put her through last night, or how long I had kept her up. I didn't understand why she didn't just stay in bed when she heard me, she knew she had an important meeting and needed her rest, yet she got up for me. I felt the guilt bubble in my stomach – one of the main emotions that had stuck with me since I had came here. I hated how much suffering I was putting everyone through; I just wished I would be able to blow it over so they would never have to know about anything that happened.

I picked up the cup full of the warm liquid and pressed it against my lips, letting the warmth tingle them. The steam spiralled beautifully up from the cup. I realised how many similarities there were between me and coffee. We could either be strong or weak. And people, who came into our lives everyday, were like milk. They could make stronger people weak or weaker people even weaker. Family and friends were like the coffee grains – the more of their love they shared, the more they took care of us, the stronger we would get.

I frowned.

I realised how milky Spike had been. I had been so strong, so in control of my life, until he had come along, sweeping me off my feet and turning me into the weak person I had become. He had twisted my mind, stripped away my strength, to make me think that I needed _him _to survive. I hadn't realised how much he had screwed up my life until …

My body began trembling fiercely.

I jumped up from the sofa, placing the mug back down on the coffee table, and forced my mind not to go there. I decided to go for a shower – I needed to wash away the scarring thoughts piercing my mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After showering for almost an hour, I couldn't stand the steam anymore and decided to get out. I wrapped the towel around my fragile body tightly. I made my way down the hallway, stopping a few times to look at some of the photographs hanging on the wall. It seemed odd seeing myself so young, so carefree, and very unaware of what the future would hold. I guess we had our parents to thank for protecting us from the _real _world when we were younger, protecting us from the difficulties and pain. Looking back now, I realised how simple everything had once seemed. School started off as somewhere to do finger paintings, play tag in the school yard, and draw pretty pictures to take home for your parents. However, slowly through the years, school seemed to turn into somewhere to get away from your parents, to miss pointless lessons, to smoke in the toilets. Sweets turned into drugs, milk turned into alcohol, lollypop sticks turned into cigarettes. Once upon a time, the only man you ever thought you could love was your Daddy. I hadn't realized how much had changed.

I hadn't even noticed the salty tears gliding down my cheeks.

'Buffy?'

I turned to see Mom at the end of the hallway, a lips pulling down at the corners when she noticed the thick tears rolling down my cheeks. In a few steps, she was pulling me into her embrace, tucking my head under her chin as she soothed me quietly.

'I'm fine, Mom,' I sniffed; making sure that one hand was still holding my towel around me.

'I wish I could help you.'

I shook my head, pulling out of her embrace. She looked confused as she glanced over my bruised angry face. The huge bags lay beneath her eyes, her eyes a little blood shot, and I noticed the furrow between her brows. I was doing this to her, I was messing her around, yet she still wanted to help.

'You are helping too much, Mom! Please, please, don't blame yourself for my mistakes,' I begged.

Mom shook her head, her lips parting slight to retort – though I pressed my finger against them before she could say anything.

'I love you so much, Mom and I wish that I could return the love you have shown me. But you can't let me waltz back into your life and screw it up – I won't let you do that!'

My chest was heaving as I finished my short rant. I hoped that my words had got through to her, in the less ungrateful way possible, as I hated seeing her so tired, looking like she thought she was useless. She had helped me in ways no one ever could. She always made things better, she always looked after me, and she kept me safe. Without her, I wouldn't even exist.

'You are my life, Buffy,' said Mom, brushing back a piece of hair plastered to my face.

My eyes searched hers. The love and warmth shone brightly in her eyes, lighting a fierce fire within them. I hoped the love reflected in my own. I hoped she knew what she meant to me. There were no words, none at all, to tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her. My Mom was like a never ending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may have forgotten the words sometimes, but I _always _remembered the tune.

'I love you, Mom,' I whispered.

'I love you too, honey,' she replied.

We both hugged, tears shining in our eyes. I buried my nose in the crook of her neck, taking pleasure of the vanilla scent that surrounded her. Her warmth spread through my own body.

I figured out something in those few seconds. Something that summed up a word that could be described in thousands of words and millions of sentences.

The definition of a Mother: a friend _forever. _

_**----------------------------------------------------------------**_

**Authors Note:**

**Shorter than I planned. Much shorter. And I promise the next chappie shall be longer. This was just something I decided to write as it was Mothers Day in America yesterday, and as Joyce is a very important person in Buffy's life. Angel shall be in the next chapter! Thanks so much for each and every review – you are all very sweet. Take care! xxx**


	10. You Found Me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me  
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded  
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?  
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

You Found Me, The Fray.

_____________________________________________________________________

I sat on the sofa, twiddling my hair between my fingers as I skipped through the television channels. I sighed as I realised there was nothing on, throwing the remote on the sofa besides me, and rubbed my hands over my face. My boredom resembled that of a thirteen year old that was stuck in over the summer holidays. I straightened up on the sofa and peered over at the television to see which lucky channel had won.

I had no idea what the programme was, although some unseen force was making me watch it. My heart suddenly began to ache, I didn't have any idea why until the advert ended and a girl suddenly appeared. Every inch of her face was almost covered in bruises, making her face hardly recognizable. She was a pretty girl I thought; long blonde hair, beautiful hazel eyes, nice tanned skin. I finally noticed the fat tears cascading down her cheek. I watched in horror as she held up her hands, a silent plead over her bruised face, when a sudden fist swung from nowhere. It smashed right into her nose. A sea of blood exploded over her face, drowning her in the scarlet liquid. Her hair-raising scream echoed in my head as I watched a boy saunter towards her, anger evident on his face.

I was up on my feet instantly, backing out of the sitting room with widened, tear filled eyes. I grabbed my jacket from the coat hanger and flung open the door, almost running out of it. I began to run down the path without intention of where I was going. I just knew that I needed to keep running. The throbbing in my heart became more pronounced. It felt like someone was clamping my heart between their strong fingers – they squeezed tightly, and then relaxed – making me think the pain was over, when they suddenly squeezed it again with more force than before. My heart had become a ball of play dough to the universe.

I eventually stopped, wrapping my arms around my chest as I took a deep breath. It felt nice when I found I was able to breathe again. I looked around and recognized faintly where I was. I was a street away from Giles' house. I suddenly began to run again, turning around the corner and smiling as I recognized Giles' house. Memories began flooding back, happy times, and I felt safe again – the pain in my heart was bearable … for now.

Moments later, my fist was colliding with Giles' wooden door. I eagerly awaited him to answer – I had missed him more than I had been letting on. I stood at the door, tapping my foot impatiently. Finally, what felt like hours later, Giles opened the door with unexpected eyes. A glass of whisky was clutched in his hand. He took off his glasses with one hand and rubbed his eyes.

'Buffy,' he said slowly, 'erm, I wasn't expecting you.'

'Hey. Yeah, I just randomly decided to come and visit. Is that ok?' I replied, hoping that I hadn't come at a bad time.

A small smile appeared over Giles' aged face. He nodded, placing his glasses back on the brink of his nose, and took another sip of his whisky. We stood silent for a moment; Giles mingling in his own thoughts, whilst I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet. Finally, I decided to break this never-ending silence.

'So, can I come in or are we going to stand here until the cow jumps over the moon?' I said, smirking slightly.

'Oh, erm, yes, come in,' replied Giles.

He stepped aside to let me in, before closing the door behind me.

I looked around and smiled softly when I realised nothing had changed. Giles still possessed the ancient, and rather dusty, television that looked out of place. He still had the same dark green sofa with the matching patterned pillows. Stacks of books littered the small sitting room, along with the many books he had stacked up in his large bookshelf – there was even a steady pile of worn out textbooks growing besides that! His desk was littered with random pieces of paper, a few pens that had been chewed on, and a bottle of whisky. It was nice to be somewhere familiar – other than my own home.

Giles put his whisky on the desk and wandered over to the sofa, moving a few stray books so I could sit down. I took a seat on the far left, watching Giles stand helplessly opposite me. I noticed the bags beneath his eyes, the lines that stained his once young skin. As I looked closer, I noticed a few faint scars across his face and arms. I wanted to know how he had got them, why he hadn't mentioned them, though I was too scared of putting Giles through the same grief I went through whenever someone tried to pry the past out of me.

'Is there anything you wanted in particular?' asked Giles.

I looked at his face. A fresh dose of pain hit me furiously. Beneath the aged skin, the many years of wisdom, the poor façade he was trying to put on, was a young boy who was lost and afraid. I could tell by his eyes. A person's eyes were always an open passage to the emotions hidden beneath. Behind every set of eyes was an untold story. A secret they were hiding from everyone. A secret they were waiting for someone to solve.

Without thinking, I just answered what I felt. 'I missed you, Giles.'

Giles looked down at his clutched hands, before looking back up with a small smile. 'I, uh, missed you too, Buffy. Very much.'

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't think. I'm sorry I left without saying anything. I can't imagine what you went through-'

'No, I don't think you could,' Giles interrupted.

I knew I couldn't. How would I have felt if he, Willow or Xander packed up one day and disappeared? Only to be heard a few weeks later through a phone call, promising they were Ok. And then, after two years of phone calls, you never heard anything again from them. Lying awake, night after night, wondering where they were, if they were safe, if they were even still alive. The sleepless night, the haunting dreams, the constant reminder that your friend was out there and you had no idea where. I shuddered at the thought.

'I can't do this alone, Giles. I need you,' I whispered.

Giles looked up slowly, his eyes full of understanding. 'I'm here.'

_____________________________________________________________

The streets were silent as I walked home. The sky was a lovely dark blue, the full moon shined in the centre of the sky like an ornament on top of the Christmas tree, and the stars littered the night like thousands of little diamonds. A few cars sped along the road, a group of birds were singing happily in a tree somewhere, and there was a warm atmosphere to the air.

I had spent most of the day at Giles'. We talked a lot, although both of us always danced around what had happened in the last five years. Both of us were protecting a secret of the past. I didn't want to push him, just like he didn't push me, yet soon enough I would need to know. We sometimes found ourselves getting into awkward silences, dodging each others eyes, before talking again about some pointless subject. Finally, when the sun said goodbye for the day, I decided it was best for me to go home.

I listened as my footsteps pattered against the path. I was glad that I had gone to see Giles, I felt as though I was getting some sort of control on my life back. I wanted to slowly slip back into the same routine I had before I left. I wanted to be able to last throughout the day without experiencing some sort of heart-wrenching pain that made me double over in agony. I wanted to wake up each morning, not covered in sweat and tears with the need to vomit. I wanted to be the friend Willow, Xander, Giles and Angel deserved. I wanted to be the daughter my Mom would be proud of. I wanted a lot of things – and it was only up to me to capture them in my grasp.

The air suddenly became cold.

A sudden booming fit of laughter assaulted the silent night. I glanced behind me to see four shadows sauntering forwards, staggering slightly with bottles in their hands. I began to walk faster, keeping my head low, and wishing that I could just fade into the night sky. Their footsteps clattered loudly, much louder than mine, as they let out another batch of hysterical laughter. No matter how much I wanted to blend into the background, to be invisible to the human eye, my heavily beating heart would surely be a traitor. It was beating so loud, so fearfully, that I wouldn't be surprised if the four drunken men could hear.

'OI! YOU!'

The voice was gruff, slurred slightly, yet unrecognizable. I didn't stop; I continued to walk – even faster. I was almost one hundred percent positive that my heart would break out of my chest anytime soon. I never would have felt this fearful if I had been in this scenario five, maybe six, years ago. Time continued, things happened, people changed. My bravery had drained out of me. Without bravery, the world would surely crumble. And my world felt as though it was crumbling as I heard the clatter of footsteps speed up. Before I could blink, the four men surrounded me.

'Didn't you hear us?' said one of the men, leaning in towards me.

I could smell the horrible stench of alcohol on his breath. I stepped backwards, only for my body to collide with another's. I looked around the little circle they had created around me, trying to find a gap in their wall. However, the four of them were rather tall and large – they possessed a nice amount of muscle. They were on a hunt and I was their prey.

'I need to go,' I mumbled.

I step towards him, indicating for him to move, yet he stood there firmly, the bottle clutched firmly in his hand. I didn't even allow myself to think of the possibilities of how the bottle could end my life. The four men towered over me like large trees, their arms like branches, suffocating me with their horrible, smelly breath.

'You're noot goiiiiiiin anywere,' stated one of the men.

I began to remember all the happy times in High School. When I first met Willow and Xander, the toy fights me and Angel held in public – how I would win him every time, when we all went trick or treating, the first Christmas when it snowed. Every single one of the memories that filled my head didn't include Spike. These were memories before everything went wrong.

'What happened to you?' asked the man closest to me, the one who seemed less drunk than the others and was able to get out his words without sounding like a drunken loser.

I wanted to ask what he meant, although I knew I shouldn't say anything to prolong this situation. I just needed to get out now, before anything else could happen. If I was their prey, I didn't want to think of ideas they had in mind. Would they let me suffer? Or would they give me mercy and just end it instantly?

'You're face is black and blue,' he mumbled.

I suddenly felt the tip of his finger poking the bruises over my face. I felt a sharp pain pinch my face. I couldn't move; I was petrified. Here I was, in the pitch black, surrounded by four drunken men, and being poked in the face by one of them. I could feel my whole body erupt in shakes as he become more forceful when he poked me.

'Don't touch her _again_,' a voice growled.

I suddenly felt hope. Maybe it wouldn't all end tonight after all …

The man's finger fell from my face as he turned his body to the left slightly. His lips pulled up into a sneer, his eyes taunting, whilst he clutched the bottle tighter in his other hand.

'What are you going to do about it?' he laughed, prodding my face with two fingers now.

There was no reply. Not with words anyway. Angel suddenly launched out of the darkness, his forehead collided with the man's with a loud crack. The man fell down immediately, his bottle of beer smashing against the pavement as his body went limp. The three men looked at Angel, before looking back at their friend on the floor. Finally, after only a moment's time of decision making, the other three ran off. The only sound in the night was their bottle shattering on the floor as they drunkenly tripped and stumbled down the road.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I looked up to see Angel, looking furious and slightly intimidating, watching the stumbling shadows that were rounding the corner.

I owed him twice now. He always seemed to find me. He always seemed to be there when I needed someone. He was my guardian Angel. The air suddenly became warm again, replacing the cold, bitter air. I knew it was Angel's warmth reflecting upon me – after all, he was my own personal sun.

'How did you find me here?' I asked.

Angel's eyes turned to me. A small smile flickered across his face as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

'If I was blind, I would find you,' he replied.

-----

**Authors Note:**

**Hopefully, this is an improvement from the last chapter! It's longer – I think. And I used a Buffy quote here ("How did you find me?" "If I was blind, I would see you" … from the episode Anne) – but I changed the 'see' to 'find'. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS! You are all so totally sweet. And because it was the tenth chapter – I wanted to write loads, though I thought it was better to stop there. I'm thinking of seeing some Willow and Xander, Oz and Sky in the next chap – I'll see what I think up of. So, please, review & let me know what you thought! Take care! Lots of love, Beth x**


	11. Halo

**Hit me like a ray of sun  
Burning through my darkest night  
You're the only one that I want  
Think I'm addicted to your light**

**Halo, Beyonce.**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I woke up the next morning to find myself in an unfamiliar room. I only took up a quarter of the huge bed I was curled up on. A thick white duvet was wrapped around me, two comfy pillows were lay beneath my head, and I could feel my body shape moulding into the mattress. I felt warm, safe. The sun poked through the blind, assaulting my face with its brightness and warmth. For a slight second, the world seemed to be a happier place.

I threw back the covers, noticing I was still in the clothes I had worn previously last night, and rose to my feet. My feet tingled as they touched the cold, laminated floor. I gazed around at the large room in front of me. It was a wide room, covered in crème wall paper, with an oak wardrobe lining down the left hand side. A bedside cabinet stood on one side of the bed, a bowl of potpourri stood on top. A brown, fluffy rug was lay in the centre of the room – the colour matched the wardrobe and cabinet. Opposite the king size bed, that looked even bigger now I wasn't lay on it, was a plasma television stuck on the wall. Leant besides the window was a tall mirror. I decided against looking in it – scared of what I would find.

I walked towards the door, only just realising the beautiful scent that wafted around the room. I opened the door and stepped out, closing it quietly behind me. The hallway looked like my own houses – the bedroom now looked like it didn't belong in this house. Walking on the edge of my toes, I tried my best not to alert anyone that I was awake. As soon as I saw the first picture on the wall, I knew where I was. I was in Angel's house. I had to admit when Angel was a teenager; his room was so messy and unorganized … it seemed odd how clean and mature his room was now. I guess that was how much people changed. I smiled at the picture of Angel with his parents and his sister, Cordelia. I continued to move along. My heart came to a sudden stop when I saw the picture of me and him in a golden frame. We had been good friends in High School, always hanging out with each other, though over the years everything began to change. Spike intervened and Angel was pushed out slightly. Angel never showed any emotion towards the fact that Spike had stretched out our friendship, he just seemed grateful for the time we got together. Looking back now, I wished I had stuck with Angel – I probably would have ended up in a much better state.

The sudden voices made me jump.

'I heard about last night, how is she?'

I still recognized Cordelia's voice after all these years. I thought Cordelia had stayed in LA after Angel left, although I realised that no one had ever actually told me about Cordelia. Angel had kept Cordelia grounded throughout high school, without him she would have probably been a stuck up bitch. Even though her, along with Angel, were rather rich, neither of them rubbed it in our faces. Yet I could still remember how many girls envied Cordelia because of her outfits back in High School. Although, Cordelia could sometimes be a bitch – but what girl isn't? – And people hated her without getting to know her first. Our gang – me, Angel, Willow, Oz, Xander and Anya – we all knew who she really was.

'She's alright, not as shaken as I expected,' replied Angel.

I heard Cordelia 'hmm' in response. 'Has she said why she's back? I mean, come on, Angel, she left with Spike – deeply in love – five years ago and now she's back without him, covered in bruises and shaken to the core.'

I wrapped my arm round my waist, holding myself together, as I processed her words. I guess she had already spoken to my Mother or one of the guys, how else would she have known about my bruises? She also knew that there was a reason I was back, she knew it wasn't a coincidence. She was a quick learner.

'No, and I'm not going to push her either. Whatever it is, whatever happened, she is obviously not ready to talk about it – to _anyone,' _said Angel, directing the last part at Cordelia.

'I wasn't going to ask. I'm her friend, Angel, I just want to do what I can to help,' Cordelia replied.

I felt my heart expand at Cordelia's words. I knew she was my friend, I had known her the same length of time as Angel, though to know she wanted to help me, without bothering me with her curious questions, warmed my heart up. It was nice to know that people still wanted to help, even if they didn't get anything back in return. And I just hoped that one day I would be able to make it up to them.

'Listen,' said Cordelia, her tone suggesting that they were changing the topic of discussion. 'Willow is making a meal tonight, everyone is invited. Joyce, Xander, me, you. Tell Buffy about it.'

'What is the meal for?' asked Angel.

I crept closer towards the stairs, deciding that I would have to make an entrance sooner or later. Plus, knowing that Cordelia wasn't going to pry, it boosted my confidence more about going down there. I listened carefully, hearing every movement the two of them were making – Cordelia wriggling on what sounded like a leather sofa, whilst Angel seemed to be pacing along a laminate floor.

'Willow wants to step back into our original routine. You know, get everything back to normal,' answered Cordelia.

Angel must have nodded because I heard no reply. Before I could even think about it, my feet had dragged me downstairs and into the sitting room. So they wouldn't suspect me listening to their conversation, I rubbed my eyes and let out a fake yawn. I smiled at Angel, who replied with a 'good morning', before I turned to Cordelia and let the fake surprise burst over my face.

'Cordelia!' I gasped.

'Buffy! Long time, no see,' smiled Cordelia, pulling me into a hug.

I hugged her back, actually happy to see someone. The happiness made the pain bearable. I let go before I looked too clingy and looked at her properly. She was dressed in a white blouse, a grey pencil skirt and black stilettos. A diamond heart necklace hung around her neck, with a matching bracelet around her wrist. Her hair hung in loose curls down to her waist; it shimmered beautifully in the sun. She looked so in control of her life, so classy, whilst I stood here in a now wrinkled, and rather baggy, t-shirt and skinny jeans, with my hair looking rather greasy.

'Look at you,' I said; indicating her outfit with my hand, 'you look amazing.'

'Thanks. You too!'

I rolled my eyes and snorted. I look the exact opposite of amazing. I looked as though I had been deprived of a home for the last few months.

'Where do you work?' I asked.

Cordelia never expressed any interests in school, any ideas for the future. She seemed to flow through school, achieving good grades though never actually knowing how to act upon them. I had always expected her to go into fashion or something, although just because she colour co-ordinated didn't mean she wanted to start off her own trends.

'Daddy owns a Law firm in town – Angel and I both work there,' Cordelia answered, nodding towards Angel who was stood silently behind us.

That explained the snazzy bedroom upstairs. I remembered – though very faintly – how Angel's Father was rarely seen in the house. And, on the few occasions I caught a glimpse of him, he wore a black suit with a matching black briefcase, his arms loaded with documents. I had never asked what he did for a living. Their Mom, on the other hand, was a house wife and stayed at home every day. She cooked, she cleaned, she watered the garden, and she ironed. I was very fond of Angel's Mom back in High School – especially as she liked me too. Thinking about it, I hadn't had chance to ask Angel about his parents yet – it seemed like everyone always wanted to know about _me. _

'How are your parents? I haven't seen them since-'

I choked on the end of my sentence. I hadn't seen Angel and Cordelia's parents since Graduation. In fact, that night was the last night I had seen anyone. I hadn't known that after Graduation I wouldn't have seen them again for another five years. I had never imagined my world crumbling down upon me. I never imagined myself becoming so weak. I guess Spike just wasn't the future I had dreamt of. He was just a nightmare.

Angel and Cordelia had noticed my silence, though they were both sharing grief stricken faces of their own. My pain was instantly brushed aside. I ignored the pinching at the edges of my wounded heart.

'What?' I whispered, looking between them both.

Angel rubbed the back of his neck, whilst Cordelia looked down at her feet. A few moments later, Angel spoke.

'Mom died four year ago,' frowned Angel.

I was feeling double the pain – my own pain for loosing such a lovely woman who had been like a second Mother to me, and Angel and Cordelia's pain of loosing such a huge part of their lives, the reason for their existence. Their pain was channelled through Angel's broken words, the devastated looks on their faces, and the scared look of a child shining out. Before I could think about what I was doing, I wrapped my arms around Angel's waist and hugged him. He looked slightly taken back, yet still wrapped his long arms around my shoulders and pulled me closer. Only when he pulled me closer did I realise that my body was perfectly content. It didn't feel as though it was broken beyond repair. I didn't feel the burning sensation around my heart. I realised that whenever I was with Angel, I was happy and whole. In sort of a cheesy way, I guess he completed me. His light and warmth healed me.

I breathed in a last whiff of his scent, savouring it for later, and detached myself from him. I turned to Cordelia and pulled her into a hug. Although, unlike with Angel, the warmth leaked out of me and I was left feeling the pain pick at my insides. I forced myself to keep a straight face, to look strong, because breaking down wasn't an option at this moment in time.

'I'm so sorry. What happened?' I whispered, pulling myself out of Cordelia's grasp.

'Brain tumour,' choked Cordelia.

I felt my heart stop in my chest. A brain tumour? I couldn't imagine how I would cope if my Mom had a brain tumour. I couldn't wrap my head around why such a lovely person, who had so much to live for, had died at the cause of a brain tumour. I didn't understand why the good people were also first to go. I felt my heart ache for their Mom.

'I'm so sorry,' I repeated.

'It's Ok,' said Angel.

We all stood in silence, trapped within our own thoughts. Death seemed to have haunted my friends here as much as it had haunted me. Angel and Cordelia's Mom, Anya, my baby …

'Willow is having a meal tonight, Buffy, fancy joining us?'

I looked over at Cordelia who looked quite hopeful.

'Sure,' I smiled.

Who was I to ruin the party? Especially as I guessed it was all for me anyway, to help me settle back into a routine here.

*--------------------------------------------------------*----------------------------------------------------*

I sat in Angel's huge Jeep, feeling slightly like a tiny ant in a huge desert, gazing at of the window at the surroundings. Nothing seemed to have changed – maybe a tree had been planted here and there, or someone had got a pair of new curtains. It felt like the last five years had never happened, although I thanked Angel for that. When I was around him, when I was in his presence, the last five years _hadn't _happened. I was happy, I was safe, and the pain was gone. His warm, friendly aura shined upon me. He swept away my troubles and pain, yet when he was gone the wind would blow them right back. I had been so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I hadn't notice Angel pull up outside my house.

'We're here,' he announced.

I nodded, turning my gaze to him. He offered me a small smile, which I returned without needing to force the muscles in my mouth. It came natural. Angel leant forward and took my hand in his warm one, giving it a soft squeeze. I felt my stomach flutter.

'Whilst I'm gone,' he said, giving my hand another squeeze, 'try to not get in any trouble that I need to save you from.'

I looked down, blushing slightly. I smiled as I heard his soft chuckle tickle my ears.

'I'll see you at seven,' said Angel.

I nodded, throwing open the passenger and untangling my hand from his. I missed the warmth as soon as I let go. Jumping out of the car – and trust me, I did literally jump – before turning back towards him.

'See you later,' I smiled.

I shut the door and jogged around the car, onto the sidewalk to wave goodbye. He winded down the window and waved before disappearing down the street. My smile turned into a frown as his car vanished. The pain found its chance and returned in a matter of seconds.

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**I hope you liked this chapter. Some weird reason, I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I made Cordelia Angel's sister because I actually do like her & wanted her in this fic. Hope you don't mind! Anyway, reviews are appreciated. Take care. Lots of love, Beth x**


	12. The Voice Within

**Life is a journey  
It can take you anywhere you choose to go  
As long as you're learning  
You'll find all you'll ever need to know  
(be strong)  
You'll break it  
(hold on)  
You'll make it  
Just don't forsake it because  
No one can tell you what you cant do  
No one can stop you, you know that I'm talking to you.**

**The Voice Within, Christina Aguilera. **

* * *

Angel had become like medication to me now.

When I was in pain, pain that tore me apart, I writhed in agony. As soon as he came, the pain decreased until it was there no more. However, when he had to go, the soothing sensation that he brought would wear off, and the pain would eventually return.

* * *

I had jumped in and out of the shower before Jerry Springer had even finished, which was the programme my Mom was happily watching downstairs. For some reason, I was quite excited for tonight. I wondered why I wasn't dreading it, facing all my friends who had many unanswerable questions for me, especially as I knew we would probably be at Willow's house for a good solid five or six hours. I guess it was Angel. Knowing he would be there, in the same room, hopefully right beside me, calmed me slightly, giving me the strength to find my way out of this endless nightmare. With his light shining upon me, nothing could go wrong.

I stood in front of my wardrobe, staring into its filled contents, and wondered how so many clothes could fit in such a short amount of space. I had never been a shop-a-holic, like Cordelia, yet what girl didn't enjoy buying a nice dress or two? Most of the nice clothes I owned had never been worn. During the past five years, I had struggled in Spike's grasp. If I wore nice clothes, he would translate that action into me trying to impress other men. I had been forced to wear jeans or sweats and t-shirts – basically, nothing too classy that would attract other men's attention. Even in a simple jeans and t-shirt combo, men still eyed up my figure in town and let their eyes wander over my body. Spike would always blame me for capturing their attention, as if though I was asking them to check me out.

I began to pull out my clothes, scanning over them before tossing them onto the growing pile that had formed on my bed. There were a few items of clothing that I wondered if I was under the influence of alcohol when I bought them. Eventually, half of my wardrobe was situated on my bed, and I was running short of appropriate clothing to wear to a nice meal. I didn't care if it was only at Willow's – I wanted to make a good impression and prove that I was coping. I knew deep down that the strong teenage girl was waiting to burst out of this weak stranger who had taken over.

'Buffy, what are you doing?' asked Mom, poking her head around the door.

Her eyes widened at the huge pile of clothes on my bed. I figured it was a Mom's worst nightmare to see her perfectly ironed clothes thrown together into a crumpled mess of doom. I had never understood why Mom's were so stern about ironed clothes, yet I never really thought about asking.

'Trying to find an outfit for tonight,' I smiled.

A smile broke out across Mom's face. Before I knew it, she had wrapped me up in her tight embrace. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her waist, burying my head into the crook of her neck. I guess that she was ecstatic to find me slowly, though very surely, returning back to normal. I had been lost for so long, I was finally finding my way again …

* * *

In the end I had decided upon an average black cocktail dress. Thankfully, Mom had been patient enough to iron it after I discovered it on the crumpled pile on my bed. Whilst she ironed, I searched for a pair of black heels. I had luckily found a pair under my bed, covered in a slight layer of dust, though in good condition nonetheless.

After Mom had finished ironing my dress, I stripped down and pulled the dress over my head. Much to my surprise, I realised that I had lost quite a lot of weight since I had bought the dress and it no longer clung to my figure like when I had tried it on in the dressing room. I sighed. I hadn't thought I was depriving myself of food or stressing out much to cause me to loose weight, although I guess I wasn't taking as much care of myself as I thought I was. My life had been hectic and I guess I hadn't been as aware of everything as I had thought.

I grabbed my brush and pulled it through my strawberry smelling hair. My hair formed into its usual waves. My blonde hair was now creeping ever so slightly up to my waist. I had no intention of cutting it.

Slipping into my heels, I grabbed my purse and headed downstairs. Mom had gone for a simple shirt and black pants look, wearing the same heels as myself. She looked me up and down, a soft smile unfolding across her face. I felt happier knowing that I was the reason for her smile. I was thankful that I was recovering from my traumatic past.

Mom did a quick sweep of the house, closing any windows that had been opened, before meeting me outside at her car. She offered to let me drive and a few years I would have accepted the offer. However, it had been too long since I had been behind the wheel. I remembered when I had drove Mom's car back in High School – I had almost wrapped it around a lamp post.

Mom drove us to Willow's. We sat in silence, both of us happily distracted by our own thoughts. I heard Mom humming a familiar tune, her fingers drumming against the steering wheel, whilst her eyes remained focused on the road ahead. It had been a long time since we had sat in silence, not needing to spark up a conversation to cut through the thick awkward tension. It was nice to just sit quietly with your Mother without having a tense atmosphere in the air. I was happy just being here with her, thanking God for bringing us back together through the difficult times.

Mom pulled up outside of a house that looked identical to ours from the outside. She cut the engine and threw open the door, climbing out. I mimicked her actions, grabbing my purse, and slamming the door shut behind me. We walked up to the door, both of us straightening our clothes and fiddling with our hair, neither of us realising Willow stood at the door.

'Buffy! Mrs Summers! You made it,' she grinned happily.

I hadn't seen her smile so happily since I returned. The smile even reached her beautiful eyes. I grinned goofily back. For a moment, and only a slight moment, I saw a wave of shock flash upon her face before it returned into her wide smile. I remembered the last time she had seen me I had hardly spoke, was covered in more pronounced bruises, and looked rather suicidal. I wondered if this time around I would be able to look at Sky without having the constant need to break down in a flood of tears.

'Hi Willow,' greeted Mom, stepping inside the house. 'How are you?'

I followed Mom inside.

'I'm good thanks, you?' answered Willow, closing the door behind me.

'I'm good thanks darling.'

Willow's house was decorated beautifully. The sitting room was a soft crème colour, with two brown leather sofas, a comfortable looking armchair and white fluffy cushions, whilst her walls were decorated with photographs and pieces of art. I wondered if Mom had given some of the more expensive pieces to her. There was a marble fireplace, a huge plasma television, a book case. The whole room was a mixture of browns and crèmes. Littered all over the floor were baby toys. I felt a tug at the ragged edges of my heart. I took in a deep breath.

'Hey, look whose back!'

Oz looked no different than when he was in high school. He was slightly taller, towering over myself and Willow, and seemed to be slightly more muscular, though his face remained the same. His red hair had faded over the years, looking more of a brown than red. He smiled playfully at me – looking younger than ever.

'Hey Oz,' I smiled.

I noticed the small child curled up in his arms, appearing no bigger than the last time I had seen her, with a pink dummy in her mouth. There was a tuft of red hair on her head; her big blue eyes looked up in fascination at me. I gulped and bit the side of my cheek, reminding myself that running away was not an option this time.

Another knock at the door broke me out of my thoughts.

'Will! How are you?'

I instantly relaxed about the sound of his voice. I let out a small sigh of relief.

I spun around to see Willow stood by the door, Angel and Cordelia stood with her. Cordelia was wearing the same clothes as this morning, her hair slightly curlier than before, whilst Angel had put on a black button up shirt with faded jeans. The shirt clung to his figure, making his muscles look more pronounced. I felt a desire to go over and stroke them, though I shook my head as if to banish the thought. Angel was my friend – my rock – I couldn't think about him like that.

'Buffy,' greeted Angel.

My head snapped up.

'Angel,' I smiled.

He pulled me into a hug, warming me up in his embrace. I just about reached his shoulders – and that was with high heels on! I saw Cordelia and Mom talking behind us, Oz and Willow talking between them whilst Oz rocked Sky. Our family was finding its way back together.

For the third time that night, another knock sounded at the door.

Willow, who was being a rather good hostess, walked over and opened it. She stepped forward and pulled Xander into a hug, who, like Angel, had just come sporting a jeans and t-shirt combo. They finished their embrace, swapping a few words, before Xander walked into the sitting room to greet the others.

I realised I was still hugging Angel. Before it got too weird or awkward, I untangled myself from him. I heard him chuckle softly before striking up a conversation with my Mother. I looked back and noticed Willow speaking to Giles, who was wearing his usual suit and tie mix, and decided to go over.

'Hey Giles!' I greeted.

Giles turned. A small smile flittered across his face. 'Buffy, it's nice to see you.'

'You too,' I replied.

Willow watched in silence, her eyes darting between us both, with a smile warming her face.

'Can we eat already? I'm starved,' moaned Xander from the sitting room.

I rolled my eyes. It seemed that some things hadn't changed in the last five years.

* * *

After eating the wonderful Chinese meal that Willow had cooked, we all took a seat in the sitting room. Willow, Mom and Giles sat on the sofa, Xander sat leaning against it, and Cordelia sat in the armchair, whilst me and Angel shared the other sofa. I watched in fascination as everyone spoke, trying to catch anything that they had missed out about their lives. I craved to know more about them – I wanted to know if they enjoyed their jobs, how they spent their weekends, what new fashion trends like liked. I wanted to know _everything. _

Sky was curled up in Angel's arms. Her tiny thumb was stuck in her mouth, her blue eyes looking up at Angel. The smile that lit Angel's face when he looked at Sky was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The love that whelmed up in his eyes, the care that radiated off his touches, the way he would look at her like she was the most important thing in the world. And she wasn't even his child! I knew he would make a very good Father one day.

'Do you want to hold her?' Angel asked.

I felt my throat close up. My mouth dried instantly. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest.

Why was I so scared of holding this beautiful baby? I knew that it was most likely because once she was in my arms, gazing up at me with her big blue eyes; my heart would kick into overdrive. I would begin to imagine the life I could have had, how different everything could have been. It would remind me how I failed to protect my own child. It would remind me of the way I felt when I lost my own baby; like the world held no purpose anymore, nothing mattered.

Angel didn't say anything; he kept Sky in his arms. I could feel his eyes on me every few seconds; however I refused to look at him. I was too wrapped up in the "what if" world. The world that could have been reality.

And then I realized that even the hard times were a part of your life story. If you acknowledged them and moved past them, they would eventually add up to the experience that made you wise.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed! Thank you so much for all of your reviews – they are so sweet and amazing, and I am always lost for words at the kindness that you show me! I am becoming addicted to writing this story. And, by the way, if you are bored or if you enjoy reading my writing, I have recently written a new Buffy story called ****The Fame****. Check it out please. Reviews are appreciated! Lots of love, Beth x**


	13. My Immortal

** You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me**

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

**- My Immortal, Evanescene. **

* * *

I crawled into my warm, comfortable bed. Wrapping the covers around my body, I let my head fall onto my pillow. It had been a tiring night, draining every inch of my energy, though I had thoroughly enjoyed it. It had been a very long time since I had been able to sit down with friends and have fun, forgetting about the worries and stress that life seemed to have lurking behind every corner. I now began to question why I had ever left them behind in the first place. If someone had gave me the same offering today, telling me that I could have a fresh start somewhere else, then I would refuse straight away, unable to even bare the thought of life without friends. Once again, my mind began to realise how much everything had changed throughout the last five years …

* * *

I woke up the next morning in cold, ice sweat. My body was shaking violently, so much that my covers had fallen onto the floor. My breathing was erratic and heavy – I gasped for air to fill my lungs. Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes, glistening like diamonds slightly, whilst earlier tears left a faint streak line down my skin.

I rose slowly, propping myself up against the headboard, and looked around my room, wiping away the falling tears. Gulping in a gust of fresh air, I tried to remember the dream that had left me so horror struck. I scanned through my mind to try and give me a slight clue. Everything was blurry, like I had been watching through watery eyes or a pair of glasses that were unsuitable for me, yet I could faintly remember a bathroom being involved. Spike's proud and cocky face suddenly struck front and centre in my mind, triggering the rest of the dream for me to remember. My body froze instantly, sweat pooling between my brows as the dream re-ran through my head. I thought I was past these dreams! I thought everything was finally beginning to get better for me. Consciously it had, however my sub-conscious was another matter all together.

I pushed myself out of bed, wincing at the pain that shot down my back. I wiped the sweat on my forehead away with the back of my hand. I remembered the days when I woke up every single night damp in cold sweat, my heart pounding so loud that I thought my ears would become deaf from the sound. I grabbed my dressing gown from the back of my door on my way out, pulling it over my freezing body. As I headed down the stairs, I heard voices talking in the kitchen.

'How was it, Joyce? When she first came back,' I heard Angel's soft voice ask.

'Angel,' I whispered, a smile immediately spreading across my face before I could stop it.

What was he doing here? Why was he here so early? How come he was talking to Mom? I didn't remember Angel telling me he was going to stop by today, or maybe I had been to absorbed in my own thoughts when he had told me, though I doubted it as I always listened to everything Angel had to say. I guessed that it might of just been a spur of the moment decision, deciding to come around whilst he had nothing else better to do.

I took a step closer to the door, wanting to hear the response my Mom gave him.

'She wasn't the same Buffy that I had last seen five years ago. She was so thin, covered in bruises, and she looked like … like life was purposeless. She looked so lifeless, Angel,' whispered Mom.

Her voice was so pained that it almost shattered my heart.

'She tried to be strong – that was evident enough – yet I could see through it all. I'm her Mother, I _know _her. The guilt and pain never left her eyes … I didn't know if she would ever recover.'

I heard Mom sigh softly.

'And then she saw you. Ever since you returned back in her life, I can see the old Buffy returning. Slowly, yet surely. I can't thank you enough, Angel, for bringing my daughter back to life,' said Mom.

Running through the past events in my head, I had to agree with Mom. I had felt a lot happier since Angel had come into the picture. He had shined his light upon me, warming me up, and was slowly helping me recover. I bet he never realised how much he had helped, I bet he never realised that it was all thanks to him that I was happy again. I smiled, mentally thanking God for blessing me with a true angel.

'Don't thank me, Joyce; I was just being there for her. Wow, what I would do to see Spike and rip his head off,' grunted Angel fiercely.

I could hear the anger overpowering his usual soft voice. I flinched slightly at how abrupt his words came out. I stuck a step closer to the door and peered through the small space where the door hadn't been fully closed. I watched as Mom raised her hand and rubbed Angel's back.

'If he has any sense – which I doubt – then he won't step foot in none of our lives again,' soothed Joyce, continuing to rub a very irritated looking Angel.

I too wished the same as Mom. I hoped he was clever enough to never take a single step into the life that I was currently rebuilding. After what he had done to me, after how broken – literally – he had left me, I hoped he was suffering somewhere, alone and depressed. I hated wishing awful thoughts like these upon people; however Spike deserved everything he got.

'That's the thing, Joyce – he hasn't got sense. That arse would do anything to ruin her life again,' said Angel.

I could hear the low growl building in his chest.

I decided to step in now – before Angel got too worked up.

I pushed open the door, dragging my feet as I slumped in, and yawned as realistically as I could. Mom and Angel both looked up, smiling widely at me. I gave Mom a tired lop-sided grin, before turning to look at Angel and trying my hardest to look at least a little surprised.

'Angel!' I smiled.

'Buffy.'

One moment he was sat at the breakfast table, the next he was pulling me into a bone-crunching hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek to his chest. I felt the warmth tingle through my body.

'Breakfast, baby?' asked Mom.

I slowly pulled myself away from Angel, forcing myself to catalogue his warm touch and save it for a needed day, and turned to Mom, who was looking slightly amused. I blushed and nodded, taking a seat at the table. Angel dropped back into his seat next to me, laying his arm over the back of my chair.

'Did we have plans today?' I said, turning to Angel.

Angel swallowed the toast he had been chewing and shook his head. 'Just decided to come over for a visit.'

I smiled. Angel returned my smile.

My smile widened even more.

* * *

I dug my hands into my pockets as we walked through the park.

After quickly getting dressed, I decided that it would be nice to get out of the house for a while. Angel and I just ended up walking, letting our feet decide on where we go, whilst we chatted aimlessly.

It turned out that Angel had left for LA to go to college, like his parents had always wanted, to study law. After six months of studying and partying, he couldn't stay in LA any longer, missing the familiarity of Sunnydale. He had also mentioned the few times he had been mistaken for a celebrity in LA, having his photo taking at random times of the day, the most embarrassing one being when he was returning from a wild party one night, and having to wake up to seeing his picture slapped across the front page. When he returned to Sunnydale, enrolling in the local college here, he had found out that I had left after seeing Mom in a grocery store. I had felt guilty when he told me how he wouldn't accept the fact that I had left, though he had gotten over it when Willow told him I wasn't coming back. Years passed by, I still hadn't returned … Angel apologized for giving up on me. He was too nice for his own good – apologising to me for abandoning him! His Mom got diagnosed with a brain tumour. The pain shattered over his face as he told me the months leading up to her death.

'So, where did you go after you left here?' asked Angel.

I bit down on my lip. I hadn't told anyone my whereabouts when I had left. Not even now, months after I had returned.

I looked up at Angel. He looked down to meet my gaze. I wished he hadn't. The questioning in his twinkling eyes, the concern on his beautiful face – I couldn't resist.

'Michigan,' I said.

Angel nodded, processing the information through his head.

I suddenly heard a musical laughter.

I turned around and noticed we had walked past the children's playground area. I felt my throat close up, my heart stopped beating. I watched as the children ran around the playground, shrieking in delight, and playing on the apparatus. My eyes wandered upon the parents pushing the younger children – who looked no more than two – on the baby swings, smiling widely as their child begged them to go higher. A young women sat in the corner of the playground, a pram parked at the side of her, with a small pink bundle wrapped up in her arms. The loving look that shone from her eyes was evident that it was her first child. I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces …

'It hurts you when you see children,' observed Angel.

I looked up at him, trying to mask the pain on my face, and shook my head.

'It does,' said Angel, frowning slightly. 'You won't hold Sky, your eyes go all teary when you see children, and your face crumples up in pain …'

I bit down forcefully on my lip. I would have run by now if it was anyone else, though Angel was keeping me grounded … an unseen force wouldn't let me run. For the second time that day, Angel wrapped me up in his strong arms, crushing me against my chest. I took a shaky breath, closing my eyes and allowing his sunlight to soothe me.

'What happened, Buffy?' he whispered as he rested his chin on my head.

'I failed my responsibilities,' I replied brokenly.

Only I understood the meaning behind my cryptic words.

* * *

**THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR GETTING ME PAST 100 REVIEWS! ESPECIALLY BEFORE 20 CHAPTERS! YOU GUYS ARE BLOODY AWESOME! Anyway, Shorter than what I wanted! I am sorry – awful writers block & too much revising lately. Plus I didn't want to add anymore onto the ending. The lyrics to this chapter are about Spike – not Angel by the way :) Anyway, hope you liked! Lots of love x**


	14. Crazier

**I** **watched from a distance as you made life your own  
Every sky was your own kind of blue  
And I wanted to know how that would feel  
And you made it so real  
You showed me something that I couldn't see  
You opened my eyes and you made me believe.**

**You lift my feet off the ground  
You spin me around  
You make me crazier, crazier  
Feels like I'm falling and I am lost in your eyes  
You make me crazier crazier, crazier oh**

**- Crazier, Taylor Swift.**

* * *

I pressed my lips against Angel's.

'I love you,' I whispered.

He brushed away a piece of stray hair from my face, letting his hand caress my cheek softly as the smile never left his face. His eyes shone with a sparkle I had never seen before. Lowering his lips to mine once more, he brought me into a tender kiss. When Angel pulled away, he leant his forehead against my own, swarming me in his delicious scent.

'I love you too,' he said.

The smile erupted across my face.

I loved hearing him tell me how much he loved me, even though I knew it would never compare to how much I loved him. He was the centre of my world. Without him, everything would crumble around me. I needed him more than I needed oxygen – he was my oxygen in fact. Angel had completed me more than anyone else ever had.

Sudden cries pierced the beautiful silence.

I let my head fall back down on my pillow, rubbing my hands over my face. Angel chuckled quietly at me, before grabbing my hand and pulling me up. I let my feet fall onto the cold floor and treaded across to where my dressing gown was hung over the rocking chair. I grabbed it and pulled it over my body, embracing the warmth it brought, and then followed Angel out of the room.

We headed down the hallway, the smiles never disappearing from our faces.

Angel stuck out his hand and pushed open the soft pink door. The sun assaulted our faces as we crept in the room, the volume of the crying increasing. I headed over to the cot in the corner.

Lay in the cot, cuddled up in warm purple blankets, was the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen in my life. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes, reaching up to me with her tiny fingers. The tears immediately ceased. I grinned down at her. Her answering giggle had my heart soaring. I leant down and wrapped my beautiful daughter up in my arms, holding her against my chest. I lay a soft kiss on the small blonde curls that piled up on her small head. She reached up to me with her small hands and stroked my cheek.

I turned slightly to see Angel stood besides me, smiling a dazzling smile our way. He took a step closer, wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him, and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

I felt his warmth spread through me. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. For the first time in years, I felt complete. I felt like there was a reason to live again. It felt like the dark, grey clouds weren't hiding the sun from me anymore. The sun had burst through their dullness and shone across my whole world, wrapping me in its warmth and beauty.

I looked up at Angel, letting him press a kiss to my forehead. Then I looked down at our daughter, watching as her eyes sparkled when she saw me.

I had my family. That was all that mattered.

'I love you,' I said to them both.

'Forever,' Angel agreed.

* * *

My eyes suddenly fluttered open.

I looked around and found myself in my bed, curled up beneath my covers.

My heart shattered into pieces.

Before I could help it, tears were pouring down my face.

It had felt so real…

I had been so happy …

I loved the way Angel's lips felt against mine. I loved the way the love was apparent in his eyes. I loved how much our daughter resembled us both; my hair, his eyes. I loved the warm feeling that flowed through my veins when Angel kissed me. I loved the way he said he loved me …

And then I realised something.

I loved Angel.

It made sense. It explained the warm, safe feeling I felt when I was in his presence. It explained the way I was unable to run from him when he asked me an unanswerable question that I didn't want to answer. It explained why my heart didn't throb as painfully when a hurtful memory was thrust in my face. It explained why there were butterflies in my tummy when he said he loved me … whether it was a dream or not. It explained why I knew I couldn't live a day without him.

I pushed back my covers and rose to my feet.

I couldn't stay still anymore. I began to pace along my room, letting this new information sink into my head. I wanted to scream out of the window that I was in love with Angel, my best friend, the person who had helped me recover.

I knew there was only one thing I could do if I hoped to achieve at least a sliver of my dream. I needed to come straight to Angel. I needed to tell him all about my past, get it out in the open, so I would be able to move onto the future with healing wounds. I needed to tell him that I loved him. And I knew that if I didn't tell him now, then I would never really be ready to get on with my life and get the past behind me.

I quickly stripped out of my clothes and pulled on a pair of sweats and t-shirt. Pulling on a pair of sneakers, I ran out of my bedroom door.

To know the future, you sometimes had to return to the past.

* * *

**I wanted this chapter short so I could build up the tension for you all! Haha. I know you all hate me right now – but remember that next chapter the answers will all be revealed! Thank you so much for every single review – they never fail to amaze me & have me thanking God for such dedicated readers. Anyway, please review – the more reviews, the quicker the chapters comes. Next chapter is DEFO longer! :) Lots of love, Beth x**


	15. So Much For My Happy Ending

I ran down the stairs, almost tripping on the last step, and headed straight for the door. I threw it open forcefully and winced as it slammed against the wall – I really hoped I hadn't waked Mom up. I took greater care closing the door, barely making a sound, before sprinting down the garden path, ignoring the watching eyes of my neighbours. They were probably wondering where the fire was.

I knew it would have been much easier to borrow Mom's car, leave her a note to explain where her daughter and car had disappeared to, although I was too hyped up to sit behind the wheel. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I crashed the car into a lamppost I was that pumped up. Running, however, would allow me to feel free for a few minutes. The wind rushing through my hair felt good after how warm and sweaty I had woken up.

I was at Angel's house in minutes. My heart pounded furiously in my chest as I raised my curled fist and knocked on his door. I began to pace on his doorstep, having no intention of staying still. It was like someone had set a firework off inside of me. However, before I could pace a huge hole in his front garden, a tired looking Angel opened the door groggily. Seeing his hair dishevelled and his eyes half closed, I suddenly felt guilty for just dropping in unexpectedly and waking him up. Yet when his eyes fell on me, they widened instantly and became alert.

'Buffy, is everything alright?' he asked, his voice thick with concern.

'I'm fine,' I smiled reassuringly. I noticed how his body slowly relaxed. 'Could I come in, please? I have something important I need to tell you.'

Angel nodded and stepped aside, allowing me to walk in.

I walked into the sitting room, taking a place on his sofa, and waited as Angel made his way over. He took a seat besides me, his brown eyes searching into mine, and waited patiently as I collected myself. I took a deep breath, searching through my mind to find the beginning of the story. Eventually, I allowed the courage within to take over …

'At first I was happy with our new life. It was fun. It was new. It was an adventure …'

* * *

_I stood in front of the house that I could rightfully call 'ours.' It was a small house, nothing too posh, though it was home. It needed a bit of work – though a masterpiece was always just a canvas until the artist performed their work. I had fallen in love with the house the first time I saw it during Spring Break. After Spike made a few deals, pulling some strings here and there, we were finally owners of our very first house. _

_It had been Spike's idea to move down to Michigan. He said that we needed to embrace our future together. Obviously I had been hesitant about leaving Sunnydale behind, especially as I had lived there all my life, although I loved Spike and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I knew that life was full of choices. Therefore, as soon as we had bought the house, I packed up my things and left. I didn't tell anyone I was going or my location, I just disappeared like a flame in the wind. _

* * *

Angel realised this was my story. That I was finally opening up. He took my hand carefully in his own and gave it a small squeeze. His reassuring smile pushed my courage further.

'Then, four years in, the emptiness from missing my friends and family kicked in. Naturally, I blamed Spike. You know, it was his idea to move – so it was his fault I was so homesick.'

* * *

_I paced in front of the phone, desperately wanting to reach out and type in the number I knew so well. I had been debating to call Mom for a while now; however I knew that if I called and heard her beautiful voice, I would be unable to stop myself from running back home to see her. _

_It had been four long years. I missed my Mom. I missed her vanilla scent, her warm hugs, her helpful advice. I missed knowing the fact that there was always at least one person who would never turn their back on me. Now I realised that I was the one who had turned my back on her. I still felt the guilt seep into my veins every single time I thought about her. I had just left – no note, no explanation …_

_How was she? What was she doing? Was she well and healthy?_

_I began to pace along the length of the sitting room, my hand hovered towards the phone whenever I passed it. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn't heard Spike come in. _

'_You still thinking about your bloody Mother?' he questioned gruffly, throwing himself into the armchair._

'_I don't know whether to ring her or not,' I replied._

_A growl slipped between Spike's teeth. _

_I spun around to stare at him. The usual irritated look that he possessed when I spoke about my Mother was plastered across his face. His fingers were dug into the material of the chair, his eyes like slits. It was evident that he was very angry. _

'_Don't start, Spike,' I sighed, not wanting to start an argument. _

_However, my words seemed to anger him even more. _

'_I'm not the one bloody spending all day wondering if I should ring the Mother I abandoned!' shouted Spike._

_My teeth clenched together tightly. He had been the one who wanted to move! He was the reason that I had abandoned my Mother! How dare he talk like I was to blame for everything!_

'_You're the reason we moved,' I hissed._

'_Course I am, pet, you keep telling yourself that,' Spike said._

_He rose from his chair, patted me on the head like I was some golden retriever, before exiting the room, slamming the door shut loudly behind him. _

* * *

I felt Angel tense beside me. However, I guessed that he already knew my fairytale only got worse …

'Soon enough we argued every day, blaming one another for the miserable lives we were leading. Eventually, I couldn't even stand sleeping in the same room as him,' I whispered.

* * *

'_I saw him checking you out!' growled Spike._

_Once again, I had been accused of leading other men on. I was dressed in merely skinny jeans and a t-shirt; however it was still my fault that I captured guy's attention. I felt my fist clench into balls as he looked me up and down with disgust … like I was a piece of crap stuck on the bottom of his shoe. _

'_What do you want me to do, Spike?' I yelled. I gestured towards the baggy t-shirt I was wearing. 'I look hideous in these clothes! But I wear them for you!'_

_Spike had thrown most of my nice clothes away. Thankfully, I had been able to save a few items of nice clothing for days when Spike wouldn't be around. He had replaced the rest of my clothes with jeans, plain t-shirts, baggy jackets, battered pairs of sneakers. I had worn them because I hoped our relationship would progress if I became less of an interest in other men's eyes. No such luck …_

'_There obviously not hideous enough!' said Spike. _

'_What do you want me to do? Wear rags?'_

_Spike smirked. _

_The anger exploded within me. _

_I charged towards the bed, grabbed my pillow and pulled the duvet off. I dragged them back towards the door, smirking as Spike's face fell._

'_Where the fuck do you think you're going?' he asked._

'_I'm sleeping on the sofa. Goodnight.'_

_I slammed the door in his face._

_

* * *

_I looked up at Angel to see him smirking.

He pressed a kiss in my hair and whispered 'that's my girl.'

My heart did back flips.

I sighed and realised that my story was now about to darken …

'One night, when I was getting into the bath, he cornered me in the bathroom. He yelled at me – told me he would have to find some other whore to sleep with if I didn't have sex with him soon …'

* * *

_I watched as the bath filled up with warm, soapy water. I couldn't wait to dip into the relaxing water; hopefully it would loosen up some of my knots. I rarely got some proper alone time to myself, so this seemed like the perfect chance to just spend a moment worrying about myself … letting the rest of the world fade away._

_However, interrupting my peaceful thoughts, the door was thrown open. _

_Spike stood in the doorway, the permanent angry face plastered over his face. I knew why he was angry this time … it had been almost two month since I had slept in the same bed as him and even longer since I had let him touch me. The poor boy was obviously sexually frustrated. _

'_I want you, Buffy' he said in what I guessed was supposed to be a seductive tone._

_I rolled my eyes. He expected me to just jump in his arms and take him back. 'I don't care.'_

_His fist slammed into the door, leaving a dent behind when he pulled his fist away. Fury was written all over his face as he sauntered towards me. When he was close enough, he stabbed his finger at my chest._

'_God! I'll have to find some other fucking whore to sleep with if you carry on,' Spike growled._

'_Go for it,' I answered._

_I was unable to care anymore. As long as he wasn't touching me, I didn't care what other whore he slept with._

* * *

I gulped. I suddenly felt like I had something stuck in my throat. Angel rubbed his thumb over my skin, comforting me with his presence. I sucked in a deep breath and carried on to tell my tale.

'He c-c-climbed on top of me,' I stuttered, my voice cracking. 'He pinned me down …'

* * *

'_I'm having a bath now, I would appreciate it if you left,' I said. _

_I turned around and bent over the bath, keeping a firm hand around my dressing gown, to turn off the tap. As soon as I turned the tap off, I felt my legs go from beneath me._

_I instantly realised I was lay on the floor. Spike hovered above me, a huge smirk over his face, and leant down, pressing a forceful kiss to my lips. I turned my head, refusing to let his lips touch mine again. He grabbed my face in between his rough hands and tilted it upwards. His lips began to attack mine again._

'_Get off,' I commanded when he took a breath._

_I was shook slightly, scared definitely, though I had to remain strong – I couldn't let him see me so weak and fragile._

_He pulled his lips away from mine for a second. I noticed the look in his eyes … it was like a lion hunting its prey. He smirked._

'_I'm gonna make you feel it!' he whispered._

_Before I could stop him, he had ripped my dressing gown off me …_

* * *

I heard Angel growl. He pulled me into a strong, breath-taking hug. His hands smoothed down my hair as he whispered his apologies to me. I could feel his body shaking slightly. I closed my eyes and breathed in his soft scent, allowing it to calm me, before pulling away, intertwining my fingers with his again.

There was still the other half of the story to go.

'I was too scared to run, so I stayed. Fear makes us do crazy things. It makes us pick the easy choice instead of the right one,' I sighed, biting down on my lip.

I felt a pinching sensation around my heart. Tears pooled up in my eyes…

'Three months later, I found out I was pregnant. I stood there looking at the test for hours. I knew it wasn't right – the baby had been conceived out of force, not love. Yet it was _my _baby and it would have been treasured more than anything else in the world.'

* * *

_I sat on the toilet, staring at the small pink plus sign on the test._

_I was pregnant. _

_Raising my hand shakily, I pressed it to my stomach. Inside me was a tiny baby growing. A baby that would be part of me. _

_I had never planned to have children, neither had Spike. However, I couldn't help the sensation of love that was flowing through me for this child. I knew in an instance that I was going to keep my baby. It seemed wrong slightly – my baby had been conceived out of force and not love – yet it didn't deserve to be killed because of that. _

_My mind started racing ahead of me. I began wondering what he/she would look like, thinking of names, trying to come up with ways to decorate the nursery. Motherhood kicked in. _

_I loved my baby too much already. _

* * *

I looked up at Angel with tears shining in my eyes. I noticed the tears welled up in his eyes as well. He looked totally devastated.

'I'm so sorry, Buffy,' Angel whispered brokenly.

I bit down on my lip to prevent me from crying. I needed to be strong. I needed to put my past behind me.

'I told Spike a month after the doctor had confirmed my results. He didn't care. Didn't care in the slightest …'

* * *

_I sat on the sofa, curled up in the corner with a blanket thrown over me. Spike sat in the armchair, completely focused on the television show he was watching. I knew I would have to tell him. I had known for a month, yet he still had no idea. Even though I wanted to just run and have my baby in secret, keep it all to myself, I couldn't help but wonder if our child would change things between us. Maybe, just maybe, it would bring us together as a family. _

'_Spike,' I said. _

_Spike sighed. I knew he was irritated that I had interrupted his programme, though he looked up nonetheless. _

'_What?' he questioned._

_I couldn't help it. I just blurted it out._

'_I'm pregnant!'_

_No emotion even crept upon his face. It merely stayed neutral. Finally he turned back to his television, a somewhat bitter expression on his face._

'_Another little bastard to put up with,' he muttered._

* * *

'I don't know what happened then. Every emotion from the past four years welled up inside of me and exploded. I was _pissed off! _How dare he talk about my child like that? Well, I started shouting at him – telling him how he had made a mess of my life,' I frowned.

* * *

_I jumped up from the sofa, my hands balled up into tight fists. I stared at him in anger, watching as his head slowly cocked towards me. _

'_What?' he sighed._

_WHAT? I couldn't believe he had just called our child and asked me what was wrong. Was he even human? Did he even care that he had a child growing inside of me? My anger was sky high …_

'_What do you mean 'what?'' I screamed, throwing a pillow at him. 'I just told you I'm pregnant and you fucking moan about having to put up with another bastard! Did you even hear right? .PREGNANT!'_

_My breathing was erratic. My anger was uncontrollable. _

'_I know what the fuck you are!' he yelled right back._

_I shook my head, too pissed off to even speak. I turned on my heel and stormed upstairs, making as much noise as I could. I charged into our room and pulled a bag from underneath the bed, wiping the dust off it. I began to pack a set of clothes, forming a plan inside my head. I would sleep at Faith's house tonight – she had been a good friend to me ever since I moved down here. Closing the bag full of clothes, I slung it over my shoulder and walked back out of the room. _

_Spike was waiting at the top of the stairs for me. Once again, his expression was furious._

'_Where the fuck do you think you're going?' he spat._

'_I'm not staying here with you,' I said simply. _

_I tried to walk forward, though Spike put his arm as a barricade in front of me._

'_You're not going anywhere.'_

'_Ever since we moved here, you have ruined my life. The least you can do is let me go,' I hissed. _

_Spike's hand curled up into a fist. Some emotion flashed through his eyes; however it was too quick for me to catch. I guess it was fury, anger, irritation … _

'_It's your fucking fault everything has gone wrong!' he yelled in my face._

_I clenched my teeth together._

'_My fault? You raped me, Spike! It's your fault!'_

_Spike growled at me._

'_You know what? I feel sorry for our child having a monster for a Father,' I shouted bitterly._

* * *

'He lost his temper. I pushed him too far. He only punched me twice,' I whispered.

* * *

_I felt his fist collide with the side of my face. I felt my face throb in pain. Then, once again, he punched me again._

_The second punch knocked me off balance. _

_I fell down the stairs. _

_My face smashed into each step, my head banged against the walls, my stomach collided roughly against every hard surface. _

_I was in pain. It was beyond anything I had ever felt in my whole life. _

* * *

'My face was in pain; my heart was in pain, yet it was my stomach that screamed out for help the most. I don't know who rung the hospital, but the next thing I know is Spike is nowhere to be seen and I'm being stretched out into an ambulance.'

* * *

_I looked around through blurry eyes._

_I felt myself being lifted off the cold, numb floor._

_My face felt swelled and sore, my body ached painfully, yet it was the agony in my stomach that had me screaming in fear. _

'_My baby!' I shouted._

_Tears poured thick and fast down my face. I was in hysterics._

'_We have a Caucasian female, looks around her twenties, pregnant …'_

_I heard the male paramedic, although his words seemed distant. It didn't come across like he was stood right next to me, more like he was down the street. Everything was muffled, everything was blurry. Everything was painful._

'_MY BABY!' I screamed again, unable to control my breathing. 'YOU NEED TO SAVE MY BABY!'_

* * *

The tears cascaded down my cheeks. I didn't try to hide the pain. It only painted my picture more detailed for Angel.

'The next thing I know … doctors are telling me I've lost my baby,' I sniffed.

* * *

'_I'm so sorry, Miss Summers, there was nothing we could do,' apologized a young doctor._

_I wanted to scream, tell him he was wrong, but I didn't have the energy to. I merely nodded and watched as he left the room, understanding I needed a few minutes alone._

_Everything came crashing down._

_There was no reason for anything anymore. _

_I had failed to protect my unborn baby. _

_I would never get to see my child's beautiful face. I wouldn't be able to experience the joys and pains of motherhood. I wouldn't get to watch my child take its first steps, or hears its mesmerizing voice says its first words. I would never teach it how to ride a bike, or take it to the beach. I would never get to hold my baby's tiny body in my arms. And, worst of all, that child would never know how much I loved it. _

_I dug my head in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably._

_I had never felt so lost in my whole life. I felt empty. _

_I was a lifeless shell. My soul had left when my baby had been taken away from me. _

_I stayed awake the whole night, staring into space, the tears pouring down my cheeks. The whole time I wondered what I had done to have the most important thing in my life stripped away from me. I wasn't a bad person; didn't I deserve a little love in my life?_

_The gift of Motherhood had been taken away from me before I could even taste a sliver of it. _

* * *

'I remember the first time I looked in a mirror after the accident. My face was covered in bruises, my eyes were so dead. I couldn't even recognize myself. I truly did look like a woman who had lost everything,' I whispered.

* * *

**I'm sorry for chopping it off there! I didn't want to bore you to death! I hoped you like this chapter. I REALLY hope you like this chapter. And – in your reviews – I would like to know what you thought, if it was a surprise & what your theories were before I posted this chap! Thanks so much for every single review! It makes my heart swell. Please review & let me know what you thought! Thanks! Lots of love xx**


	16. Said It All

**In the sudden light of day,  
the weight of expectation  
Hurt begins to fade.  
As you find a new direction.  
Been talking here for days  
and days and days**

**- Said It All, Take That. **

* * *

Angel wrapped me up in his arms, resting his chin upon my head, as he smoothed down my hair. I could hear his heart beating rapidly in his chest – the sound soothed me. I could hear him taking deep breaths through his nose, before exhaling loudly through his mouth. I could feel his fists curled up against my back, along with the tension of his body. I wrapped my arms around him and stroked his back, hoping to relieve some of the tension. Finally, he took a deep sigh and relaxed.

'I'm so sorry, Buffy. You didn't deserve any of that,' Angel said, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

'It helped me a lot though,' I whispered, burying my head deeper in his chest. 'It made me wise.'

I could feel Angel shaking his head in disagreement. I leant back and looked up at him, letting myself get captured by his mesmerizing eyes.

'Whether it made you wise or not, you still deserved your baby.'

I nodded, biting down on my lip. I had deserved my baby. Maybe if I had just gotten out right at the start, the moment when it was clear everything was going wrong, then maybe I could have settled down with someone who actually loved me, unlike Spike, and had many children with them. The sudden image of the child in my dream came swimming back. She was so beautiful; a mixture of me and Angel _together _…

'I could ring my Father, you know. We could press charges against Spike,' suggested Angel.

He looked down at me to see my reaction to his suggestion. I noticed there was justice in his eyes. I knew he wanted to help, give me back the life I deserved, and wanted to see Spike suffer more than anything … I just didn't know what I wanted. I knew I should have accepted the offer straight away – why wouldn't I? Spike had killed our child, not intentionally but still … he pushed me down the stairs which caused me to loose our child. I should have wanted to see him suffer the consequences for what he had done, however it didn't seem enough. I wanted to see him rot in the fiery pits of hell. Though, at the same time, I just wanted everything swept under the rug. The past had come out now, I had told Angel my story and now hopefully I could move on. I didn't want any strings connecting me to the terrible events I had suffered. I wanted to start afresh.

'I just want it over if I'm being honest. Pressing charges would bring some sort of closure, I guess, but it just doesn't seem enough. Anyway, I don't want him being brought back into my life,' I replied. I reached up and stroked my hand across his smooth cheeks. 'But thanks,' I added.

Angel nodded, leaning into my touch.

'And we don't even know where Spike is.'

Angel nodded again in response.

'Are you going to tell the others?' he asked.

I froze. I hadn't thought about telling anyone else. My main focus had been getting my past out to Angel without breaking down, however it seemed logic to tell the others. I knew Mom needed answers, she needed to be let into my life, and it seemed fair after everything she had done for me, even though I had been rather selfish. Along with Mom, Willow needed to know as well. I didn't want my best friend thinking I despised being near her child; she needed to understand that I was thrilled she was a Mom and very proud of how amazing she was at Motherhood … but I was still grieving over the death of my own baby. Once it was all out in the open, moving forward would hopefully be as easy as breathing.

'Yes,' I whispered.

* * *

After retelling my story again, it felt like a large weight had been lifted off my chest. I could breathe freely again.

Mom swept me up in her arms, sobbing uncontrollably into the crook of my neck, with Willow joining onto the hug mid-way through. I looked over their shoulders and saw Angel nod at me. I wrapped my arms around them both and pulled them closer, noticing the huge difference hugging them now compared to before I had come clean. There was no guilt, just a light space where the deepest part of my life had been lifted.

'I'm so sorry, Buffy. My poor little girl,' Mom choked into my neck.

I could feel the trembling emitting from her body. I pressed a small kiss into her hair, breathing in her vanilla scent.

'I'm a fighter, Mom,' I whispered.

* * *

I was back on Angel's leather sofa, wrapped up in a blanket. Angel was curled up next to me, playing with my fingers happily. He had no idea of the feeling he gave me when his soft skin connected with mine. It set off fireworks in my tummy. I felt a High School girl seeing her crush walking down the corridor towards her. Yet it was different. This wasn't just a faint crush; it was something deeper … something powerful.

I looked over at Angel. I realised that I still hadn't told him the reason behind me telling him my story. With the funny feeling still heavily floating around my stomach, I took a deep breath and straightened up in my seat. Angel immediately let his hands fall and also straightened up, his eyes locking with mine.

'There was a reason, Angel, that I told you my story today,' I said.

Angels' full attention was on my words now as he nodded his head gently.

'I had this wonderful dream,' I continued, letting a smile unfold across my face as the dream rolled through my mind. 'And it made me realise something.'

There was a bright sparkle in Angel's eyes when he saw me smile. And, for that one moment, I was pretty sure that he was able to feel the love as well.

'So, here goes nothing …'

I sucked in a deep breath. My heart raced uncontrollably, almost breaking out my chest. My hands were sweaty slightly. I rubbed them quickly down the pants leg of my jeans. Angel smiled in amusement, obviously finding my nervousness a good form of entertainment. I suddenly remembered this was just Angel. He was my best friend. I told him _everything _without feeling the least bit nervous, this was the exact same. I let out a deep breath that I didn't even know I was holding.

'I _love_ you,' I said slowly, making sure I spoke each word clearly.

Angel's smile grew wider. I wondered if this was just a huge joke to him, if my feelings for him were funny. However, these worries were banished instantly.

He leant forward slowly, too slowly for my liking, and pressed his soft lips gently against mine. The kiss was slow and gentle. When he pulled away, I felt my lips tingle in excitement. A huge smile unfolded across my face.

'I love you too,' Angel replied, brushing back a piece of stray hair behind my ear, 'for so long - since High School to be exact.'

Willow had always told me Angel had liked me, that it was obvious his feelings were more than friendly towards me, though I had always been too blind to see.

_I set out on a narrow way, many years ago  
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road  
But I got lost a time or two  
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through  
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you._

'I'm sorry I kept you waiting,' I whispered.

I had always been so wrapped up in love with Spike; I had never noticed others who loved me as well. When you were in love, no matter what age or gender or shape or size, only you and your love existed – everyone else was merely background scenery. Though, sometimes you needed a new scene and with new scenes came new people. Spike had broken my heart beyond repair. But Angel had made it whole again.

_Every long lost dream led me to where you are  
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars  
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms.  
_

'It's alright. You're here now,' smiled Angel.

He leaned in once again, this time I met him half way.

This kiss was fiery beyond anything I had ever experienced. Our love for each other took control and we didn't restrain it. Our lips moved together rapidly. I parted my lips slightly and allowed his tongue access to dance with my own. We were surrounded by the power of our love.

_This much I know is true:_

_That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you  
Yes He did._

Angel wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me up as he rose to his feet. I gladly allowed him to pick me up, wrapping my legs around his waist to keep a firmer hold of him. He began to walk to the stairs, our kiss never breaking.

With Angel I felt safe. And that was how I knew that my love for him was more powerful and unconditional than anything I had ever felt. Being in Angel's arms made me realise how deprived of love I had been.

As we rushed into his bedroom, I reached out and slammed the door behind us.

Finally, the stain from my silent tears had been removed. All thanks to my Angel.

* * *

**THE END. **

**For now ...**

* * *

**PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I have a reason it is finished here. I have a sequel idea that – if I have readers – should continue to follow the story a few months later with slight more action. This story was mostly about Buffy opening up and allowing her to realise her love for Angel. Take that 'Said It All' and Rascal Flatts 'Bless the Broken Road' were huge inspirations for this chapter. Reviews are appreciated! Let me know if you want to see this sequel. Thank you so much for everything and all your reviews and positive feedback. It makes me beyond teary! Haha. Lots of love. xx**


	17. Authors Note

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to let you know that the sequel to Silent Tears is called **Battlefield **and it shall be posted like five minutes after this message. I hope you enjoy it!

I also just wanted to go slightly sappy on you for a moment…

Thank you so much for every single review I got on the last chapter. I can not describe how overwhelmed I was by all your kind words – they really meant something to me, every single one of them. Thank you for taking the time to read this story and review and add it to every alert possible – it's thank to you that this story is now completed and a sequel is being wrote. Without the readers, I think the story is pointless. So, thank you so much for letting me write, for letting me entertain you … at least, I hope I entertained you in some sort of way – haha!

I hope to see you over at Battlefield!

Lots of love, hugs, and kisses,

Beth x


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